PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

the thing is....

Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2006
If I can’t vent about it here then I have no reason to have a “here”. So here goes. As most of you know I have been having infertility issues for the last 3 plus years. Rick and I have been trying to have a baby for that long. For reasons I’m not going to detail, I have felt that Rick is not doing his part in the “trying”. This has led to some deep seeded anger issues for me. Issues I have been trying to overlook, downplay…ignore. Call it what you will.

I have spoke about some other issues here in the past but let’s just skip to the chase. My brother in law Randy’s girlfriend is pregnant. And Rick told me about it in an elated voice. His words were simply “Chrissy is pregnant and Randy’s going to be a Daddy!!”

Now if you’ve ever had infertility issues you will know that he should have just grabbed me by the neck and punched my lights out. It would have hurt less. I honestly said nothing. I honestly am not happy about this. I’m honestly screaming inside with hatred towards this news and I’m doubly angry at my husband who thinks that I should be elated. I do wonder however what her husband will do. He’s been suicidal in the past and she has done nothing to get a fucking divorce already. And really in the big scheme of things its none of my business…but then again did Rick tell me this news anticipating that I might actually start knitting some booties and planning a baby shower and practicing my cooing abilities? Is he that lame? Did he never for one minute think this was going to hurt me?

After his statement of news to me I then crawled into my car in my pajamas and proceeded to call every person that might just “get it” and some that wouldn’t. I called people that I felt I could talk to openly and honestly and I finally spoke to two friends of mine from work, both of whom told me my feelings and thoughts were irrational but understandable in light of the past years circumstances. Both of these statements while true did no alleviate my pain. I then proceeded to come back into the house and try through sobs and irrational statements as to how I felt.

But bottom line this is how I feel.

It sucks….it sucks because they’re not married. She’s still married to someone else…. They weren’t trying. (to my knowledge). She has two teenage kids…both of whom have dropped out of high school in the last year.

Why is it that women who don’t deserve babies have them every single day and those that do….don’t?

And why is it that no matter what I type here, speak out loud to Rick or anyone else…do my words not begin to reflect the pain that I feel? Why can I acknowledge that some of the things that have come out of my mouth are purely evil and mean spirited…but I don’t fucking care? Why is it that every little detail has another razor blade of pain waiting for me? Her baby’s due in May….perhaps just in time for my fucking birthday? Happy Birthday me.

I’ve spent the last 16 hours bawling my eyes out. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours….and my eyes are bloodshot…my head is pounding and I want to punch someone I’m so angry within.

On top of all of that, my period is late…I’m probably pregnant and I’ll probably lose the pregnancy shortly because of this drug I was on. What the hell…it happened last month and I didn’t even understand what was going on. Now it’s been in the back of my head and I’ve ignored it. My period should have come sometime around Dec 1st or 2nd. No show. I should go get a pregnancy test…but why bother? So I can tearfully say goodbye to another potential child in a week or two when it drifts through the water like the red seas?

Fuck this…..fuck it all…you do everything right….and still it does not matter. You want nothing more than a family….and still that is constantly taken away….in one form or another. And yes….perhaps God or whoever the hell is in charge doesn’t give me what I want because I’m so mean spirited and evil. Perhaps there is no God and we’re all down here just hoping for some guidance.

Rick's happy for his brother. He can do that...I get it. But he's going to have to do that without me...because I can't pretend.

7:47 a.m. ::
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