cluttering the net since 2001

the truth comes out....

Friday, Jun. 21, 2002
written at 12:39 a.m. last night....(if you only knew the crap I went through to get this entry in here.....

I have no Internet service from home ‘til Tuesday. Long boring story on that issue, so I’m updating from a file I’m creating from home tonight and will post now…rather it’ll be then…well it’s now for you..in the morning. But I am going to take the weekend off and work on some other things that I need to work on. I can still write, just can’t post til Monday. But today…I couldn’t leave my readers hanging….no…can’t have that. And besides….I need to write about it because I am simply amazed.

So today (Yesterday now) after work, I called and talked with Mad Prophet. (Thanks for being such a great friend that I can call you up and tell you how much I’m feeling and never think twice. You’re the best and I’ll never stop being grateful for you in my life) The Mad one advised me to write “him” an email and then sit back and wait for his reaction. I might have done that too, except…I got home to discover no Net. So…I decided to face my fears and I called him as he requested. I called after 9 p.m. since my long distance on my phone is best for then. And I just said something like the following.

2 months ago….I would have jumped up and down and went immediately to TIA and waited for your plane to arrive. I would have sat and fidgeted and been nervous but extremely thrilled by the turn of your emotional events. But, that was 2 months ago. Things have changed. I didn’t set out to deceive you but you made it oh so very clear to me that you didn’t want to be dumped upon any longer with my personal problems. So when I had issues with paying the bills at my apartment and husband was confusing the issue by fucking Mrs. Cleaver (I really said her real name here ya know…but…anyways..), not keeping up his end of the bargain by paying all those ridicules electricity company deposits…and then you chose to bail on me at that time. And while I understand now completely why you did it. You were giving me the time and space to get my life in order….. Well…things didn’t quite go as planned. Bills weren’t getting paid. I didn’t have the money to get an attorney and therefore I wasn’t living with my son..and I was having financial difficulties and so …

And he finished…”you moved back in with him..let him move in with you…???” I said yes. He said, “it makes sense to me now why you weren’t happy to hear me saying that I wanted to come see you now.” I sat in silence. He continued on to say that he does understand that my life is in a difficult place. He immediately launched into the possible solutions. And oddly enough he said, “I don’t think of this as lying even though I Know you’re sitting there thinking I’m going to freak out on you for lying to me. I asked you not to dump on me…you listened to me. I told you to figure your life out on your own. You did. I’m not mad at you and I’m not upset about anything. I’m just bummed out cause I wanted to spend next week in Florida hanging out at your place and hopefully having some fun. I thought we could both use some fun.

Incidentally I told my husband that “he” wanted to come see me. His reply “I don’t care but he can’t stay here.” Say what???? I don’t know about him sometimes…. I just think he and I love each other but we have seen too much shrapnel get imbedded in places that can’t heal.

So he and I continued to talk for about 3 hours. He brought up the fact that when he and I speak via phone we get along so awesomely that it’s just like we’re so in tune to each other. We just get it all confused and lost when we are reduced to text.

I feel cleansed and free of the demon I’ve been carrying and I have vowed to never again lie to him. If he could understand what was going on with me, I think this is a huge breakthrough for he and I. He asked me not to dump on him..I obliged. I feel that I lied to him by not telling him I moved back. He didn’t see it that way because I never said “my apartment this…. or “my apartment that… I just didn’t say anything.

I asked him tonight about his previous statement about me whereby he said “your life is like a 5,000 piece puzzle missing 4,000 pieces.” He quickly said, “I said that in anger and never did mean it. I think you’re puzzle is going to be a pretty kewl picture when you get that last piece in place.”

I told him that the fact that he wanted to come see me. That he wanted to meet me. That he finally knew he wanted that…that it meant more than words could say to me.

We talked about work, about my plans..his plans. I told him a few dozen times that I was so thrilled to have talked thru it all with him. He said, “you’ve never figured out that you always can.”

I asked him why he keeps saying goodbye to me sporadically. He said, “because you defy logic and that’s what I’ve based my entire life upon.” Hmm..just like I always suspected. I have known for a long time that while I have my issues, that he portrays himself in a manner where he looks to have it all together, but I believe deep down inside he’s afraid of getting hurt.

I said, “When things are not right between you and I for any reason it just makes everything else in my life unbalanced and tilted. He said, “I know what you mean because now that I understand….I feel better.” I said, “I didn’t want you to go on thinking that I didn’t want to meet you or that you weren’t important to me. Or that in my heart I wasn’t jumping up and down and running to TIA to fidget in my seat.”

I told him how unhappy I have been with my decision to move back. How confusing it all is when finance issues mix with infidelity issues and other issues. He said, “I can only imagine.” I also told him I wanted to figure out a way to be more financially stable. So I look forward to his brilliant ideas and advice on that. I know him inside and out and I give him exactly one week to come to me with a list of ideas. I admitted to him tonight that when he was there I was on the right track. He said, “I don’t want to be your crutch…I wanted you to prove to yourself that you are stronger than you think.”

I know that I did that. I know the whole damn world thinks I’m just a mess. I know that no one else understands it. But most of those people went crying on Mommy’s shoulder and Mommy said, “come home…leave him…it’ll be ok”. There was a solid foundation to rely upon. I don’t have that.

Tonight he confided some very personal issues with me regarding his childhood. And why he’s so driven to succeed. He told me things that I never knew. And he said, “see Kristy I understand setbacks more than you ever knew.” I wanted to hug him. To thank him for letting me cleanse my wrongdoings and he did something..he overlooked it. He said it was ok. He said he understood and that it was ok.

I know he was disappointed. Disappointed that he can’t come here next week like he wants to. Perhaps disappointed that I’ve had this major setback. I did however tell him that he could come here but he’d have to stay somewhere else. He simply stated… “hmmmm….”

Something about the entire conversation really makes me believe he had something else planned that I don’t know about. He just kept saying, “you don’t know me yet.” When I asked why it was so important all of the sudden that he come here. So important that he kept pushing the issue to the point where I had to blab out all of my long kept secrets. He said… “someday Kristy …someday”.

This weekend I’m going to read “Flaming Iquanas by Erika Lopez, work on my thoughts til they form a plan for my life, paint my toenails, say a “real” hello to Tim, go to the beach with “Bucky” and work on my poster (more later on that project), and seriously think about my tomorrows as more than just a someday too far away.

I pick up the “someday” in my heart. Hold it tight…..lose my grip….lose all hope…but that song keeps singing regardless. He’s my closest friend. He’s easily the most influential. And he knows me inside and out. He said, “I knew something was up with you a month ago.” I really wonder if he did. I believe he did. He knows how to push me up against a wall and get me to cut my shit and just come clean always. I love that about him because he pays enough attention to me to know that I’m stuck deep in my own shit. He says “enough is enough …cut the damn shit Kristy!” And it sounds like “give me one good reason…cause you’re not making any damn sense…I’m not stupid Kristy!” And it comes pouring forth…. I love that he has me figured out. I hate that I don’t have a clue about him most times. I love that he challenges me in conversation. I love that he tells me things about work, about his thoughts..about his dreams, about his past. I just wish he was more clear about his feelings…because….

So far it’s a love untold…

-PoeticaL (I will never lie to him again!)

By the way...I can't access my hotmail 'til Tuesday..( If there’s something you want me to see before Tuesday/Wednesday of next week.. send it to kristy7237@yahoo.com Thanks!)

I know in my heart that he and I will meet....it's just a matter of time. He finally made it absolutely clear. And I'm glad I told the truth!!

Love Untold

They were gonna meet
On a rocky mountain street
Two bashful hearts beat
In advance

Their hands were gonna sweat
It was all set
She ain't showed up yet
There's still a good chance

It's a love untold
It's a love untold

Checking on her face
Checks his sleeve for his ace
And both just in case
Wear clean underwear

Games would be played
Excuses would be made
The stupid things they said
In their prayers

All about a love untold
It's a love untold

Soft hands slowly move across the blank white page
Thinking of words for my silent lips and fingertips to obey

It's a love untold

They were gonna meet
On a crummy little street
It never came to be
I'm told

-Paul Westerberg
8:19 a.m. ::
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