cluttering the net since 2001


Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004
I'm seriously considering chucking the dining room table chairs and pushing the table into the corner and making myself a big kickass computer desk. Ugh, the demands of family tradition etc. and you know I won't do it. Hmmm....that's ok. I can still take over the area as needed right? Yah exactly right.

I can honestly say that the idea that I spent more on my laptop than most other things I have ever owned and yet I still have no damned software....ahhh. I need a kyped copy of Office for XP. Does anyone out there love me and want to gift me with a copy whilst ripping off Microsoft? Hmmm...well yah I didn't think so. :-(

I'm also seriously overworked/underplayed and very much stressed. Poor bf, I've snapped at him ten times tonight. I think the tiredness combined with the fact that I decided to go and pick up Bucky from daycare on a whim unannounced only to find out that I couldn't because there were pre-plans for him to have a friend over to Dad's house etc. So I stood there talking to him outside waiting for ex to show up to get him instead. That took all of five minutes. Long enough for me to realize the impact or rather feel the impact of this event. I now have to TRY to fit myself into my son's life. With the divorce and the onslaught of his increased age and friendships, I am....fuck there isn't a good way for me to describe this feeling I have been overwhelmed by all night. Stupid to say this, but one thing in my day and I myswell chuck it because I'm done in about it. But only if that one thing involves my son and/or financial strife in some instances.

The woman at Tae Kwon Doe was acting all strange like she felt the need to call ex and see if it "was ok" and/or "pre-arranged" that I would be picking up my own son. I allowed her to make her call and then I calmly and most bitchedly (is that a word? if not it should be) told her "I am his mother, we have shared custody and you can make a thousand calls everytime I come here, but you can't change those facts so perhaps it's best that you accept that I AM his MOTHER and it really doesn't matter what his FATHER has to say about it. If you need me to I will bring you paperwork and we'll be done with this insane fiasco everytime I show my face here." She stood there saying nothing to which I said "I knew you'd see it my way, have a great day!" and I walked out into the parking lot with my son where she stood watch as if I was about to commit a crime.

Something I noticed today, ex shows up and I notice his clothes, I always notice his clothes because I bought them. Picked them out, etc. I notice the shirt that I got on sale sometimes or the shoes or something. I wonder when he'll retire those clothes and no longer wear things I provided or picked out. I wonder why I notice this. It's as if he is wearing around my past or reminding me of it at the very least and it strikes this weird chord within. I hate it. I noticed today he was wearing a shirt that I bought long ago but he refused to wear back then. Say what? One time he came around wearing a pair of what I term to be OLD man sandals. The kind they used to call Herochis (obviously spelled wrong). They were the ugliest things ever. And he had socks on. C'mon socks with sandals in Florida, c'mon. Socks with sandals anywhere and you're just not all together right in the head. I don't know why I notice this shit, I wish I didn't. When will I not? He stood there today apologizing more to me about the schedule not allowing me to take my son with me, he apologized more sincerely for that than he ever did for any of those heinous things he did to me in the past. So why do I care what he's wearing enough to notice? Just like I also noticed that his vehicle is still wrecked even after tax time. Go figure. Just like I noticed that he told me he now has rental insurance but for 12 years he told ME that shit was a stupid waste of money. Just like he now never goes without a haircut but during our marriage his hair was always a mess. (I swear if my bf starts to cut his hair often rather than every few months someday and I'm not there to enjoy it I'll somehow sneak NAIR in his shampoo supply chain.)

Ok, now that I've openly admitted to the f'd way my mind works, I'm gonna go eat pizza too late at night and crash into bed and prepare for another day.


footnote: i am picking up my son tomorrow for the entire weekend and his eyes are gonna pop outta his head when he sees my laptop and I tell him I'm planning to work out a deal so he can have a computer of his own now. He's gonna freak, freak in a good way...(dang now I'm singing super freak in my head over and over)
11:02 p.m. ::
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