PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

tink my bell

Thursday, Sept. 14, 2006
I am starting to feel normal. Finally. I mean after surgery, etc. I still can’t sleep on my stomach because it’s uncomfortable. I’m almost normal. And then I realize that as of tomorrow I need to start taking that drug. The one that has all those side affects. And I’m trying not to think about how they might make me ….not normal. Is it normal for women to stress about a high powered drug intended to make you bleed, that might make you very sick. And perhaps even make your hair fall out?

And then….my mind ventures into those thought processes and I realize there’s nothing normal about me right now.

The nicest thing to have happened in days? My realization that since we’ve been banned from having sex, my husband still wants me. My sound crazy, but if you stop having sex, there’s that big question mark that forms in the air. Oh, we didn’t stop because we wanted to, we stopped because Dr. Romeo said we had to. And doesn’t Dr. Romeo suck for that? We are allowed to resume in 1 more week. I think the ban was to prevent any possible pregnancy prior to this high powered drug being in my system because this drug will most definitely delete any pregnancy.

Honestly, physically I just haven’t felt all that sexy or desirable. I’ve felt rather like I’m living in a body that is not mine. With the extra lump and surgical line and the healing and the yuckiness….just not sexy.

How did the realization come to me? Last night I had pajama shorts on that have tinker bell all over them. They are too short. The sort of shorts you only wear in your house with no one else around because they are comfie but you really shouldn’t wear them. And the man…grabbed my ass. And something inside of me melted….melted with the realization that life goes on, it may change but it continues and our lives always continue together.

I officially think that as long as he is in my world, my world…normal or not, will always be ok. We’ve had some recent hard times because having a health issue puts a strain on any marriage and we’ve been through so much crap in such a short period of time…it’s just been difficult at best. I’ve been cranky and hard to live with. I’ve been withdrawn and kept things to myself. He’s been concerned and not able to verbalize. Enter the word “cancer” into your life (do it once, call it null and void and then enter it full force again!!!) and you’ll see what I mean.

Tomorrow I take the first tiny little tablet of possible doom, and I will try to think of it as an Alice in Wonderland adventure.....

This morning I hugged him and I knew then like I’ve always known, I love him. I really love him. And love is everything.

8:13 a.m. ::
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