PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

today, tonight, tomorrow

Friday, Nov. 01, 2002
Today I was sad. Today I bought some books at a new for me used bookstore that rocks. Today I refurbed parts, ate some free lunch at Durango's via boss man. Today it rained in FL like it always rains in PA, just a constant mist. Tonight I watched part of Spiderman. Tonight I talked to Bucky. Tonight I chewed some gum. Tonight I decided to order some books for Bucky from his school book club flyer because they're really good prices. Tonight I wrote back to "t". Tonight I cried.

ďtĒ,

You are not bad or a bad email buddy either. I understand the situation. I understand your life and all that it entails. I have told you over and over and over again that I have a grasp on how things are. They just are this way. If you were right down the street working at Burger King, Iíd be in my glory and Iíd come steal your cute hat and flirt with you over the fries and Iíd be so happy just because you were so close. But you wouldnít be happy at all and so even though you were right there with me, I would end up not happy either. More than anything you are my friend and I want you to be happy. Knowing you, having known you, makes me feel lucky to have been so touched.

I donít know if the way I wrote that will make any sense, but I hope so because I understand it what I mean and I hope you do too. I hope this email reaches you before you have to go on your mission. I want my thoughts to go with you wherever they send you.

As far as your Internet access, yes that sucks. It only bothers me in the sense that thereís just no way for you and I to keep in touch right now outside of the Internet. I would write you letters, even if you never answered them, if I had an address where the military would forward them to you. I wonder if this is a forced sort of goodbye. Being forced upon us merely by the circumstances of the moment. Sometimes life doesnít paint itself the way we want or wish for. But as long as you find a way to come front, I will open my arms to you. I promise. I can promise you that. I will always have a vacancy that no one but you can fill. Perhaps I did what I set out not to do, I let you in despite it all, because you fit so well.

Now I wish I could sew the stars together and make a tight rope that I could walk across tonight just so I could hold you once before you are gone. Iím so afraid that you will just disappear because of the circumstances and I will forever wonder if you were just a dream. I would wonder if you were happy. That one question might keep me from sleeping. When those moments of doubt hit me, I will close my eyes and do my best to remember everything and smile.

Life is like a breeze; sometimes the summer breeze blows a butterfly into your window. You watch with amusement and wonder and somehow want to capture its beauty for a lifetime. You walk into the kitchen and find a jar. Carefully poke holes in the top. Then you run with giggles for propellers to capture natureís majesty to save forever. The butterfly flies into your jar and then you realize that you canít hold onto that kind of beauty, it is in its freedom and wish for skies blue and vast, that it is most beautiful. To catch it is to kill it is to destroy it.

You are like a butterfly. I stood and watched you and wiped tears all the while, knowing that I canít catch you without destroying you. But I can hold you in my heart and I can leave my window cracked open even on winter days, hoping that you will find your way back. I can close my eyes every day that you are gone and thank god that because of you I know what beautiful means.

I love you.
me
10:40 p.m. ::
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