PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

top ten indications

Sunday, Aug. 31, 2003

 

TOP TEN INDICATIONS THAT YOUR SPOUSE and/or LOVER IS CHEATING ON YOU

(at the very least they indicate that a person is interested in the opposite sex)

 

  1. He’s rolling around the living room on one of those ab-roller devices that you last saw for 50 cents at a garage sale down the street and announces that he’s planning on getting the ab’s of his former self back. (note: If your next door neighbor is touting the benefits of Dr. Atkins simultaneously while offering coupons for slimfast to your spouse, proceed with caution)

 

  1. His ex-girlfriend calls you up randomly on the phone and asks you about the state of your marital affairs.  (note: she is simply trying to test the temperature of the waters, how hot will you be if she tries to take a swim?)

 

  1. His boxers are no longer 2 sizes too big, in fact those are in the back of his drawer and he is no longer wearing the fruit of the looms from 4 years ago that have faint skid marks still in them, not to mention the frayed leg holes.  They are now missing entirely and he is now changing his clothes in the bathroom so that you can’t see what exactly he was wearing.

 

  1. He spends huge amounts of his time running to the grocery store to pick up milk, going to appointments for doctors, medically necessary appointments, that he never attended before.

 

  1. He buys new cologne on his own, without even mentioning it to you, nor announcing it’s arrival.  It seemingly sneaks into the bathroom and is standing beside your hairspray as if it’s always lived with you.  If you let him know you realize it has arrived, be prepared to hear a lot of stuttering about how it was on sale, or he’s alwayyyyys had it, you just didn’t realize it.

 

  1. Unusual CD’s, cassettes, or even a book of a genre he’s never listened to or read before might be found lying in his vehicle.  If your guy listens to country and all of the sudden has a newfound penchant for jazz, it is probably not because he’s trying to expand his mind, it’s probably because some other “she” is trying to expand his mind along with other things.

 

  1. You may find a receipt for something that while it doesn’t state what the item was that he bought, it is clearly to a store he doesn’t ever frequent.  Don’t believe his story about how he took a friend at work to buy something for his wife.  If this was entirely true and you had nothing to worry about, he would have taken this opportunity to buy you a gift as well and there would be said gift already in your possession as proof.

 

 

  1. Keys, any strange looking key that doesn’t fit any orifice of your vehicle, his vehicle, or your house, safe, desk drawer and/or garage, shed, toolbox, etc.  If it doesn’t fit believe me he’s placing his digits into something foreign to your knowledge and you should educate yourself about where this just might be.

 

  1. Pawn slips.  I used to think that pawn slips proclaiming that he pawned MY items meant that he was shitty and needed to pay a bill.  The fact of the matter is, he’s shitty and needs to help her pay her bills, or at the very least he needs to pay for dinner that night because he’s most definitely not a middle age balding man with a paunch who can’t pay his own bills nor provide for his own wife and/or child, because if mistress/whore were to find this out, he wouldn’t be getting any pussy on the side now would he?  Remember how sweet and suave and debonair he was when he first met you, that shit wasn’t true now was it, just think how hard he had to put on that act for you!  He’s now doing that same academy award winning shit for someone else.

 

 

  1. Telephone bills.  This is a major thing to be on the look out for.  Cell phone’s are the nemesis of the cheating bastards best tool of the trade.  He can conduct his pussy procurement over a cell phone without your knowledge. After all most major cell phone network providers/phone manufacturers provide the handy dandy “vibrate” mode on the ringer.  Most phones can also be locked down and therefore the unsuspecting party will never be able to check.  I recently talked to someone that told me that his ex-girlfriend carried on an affair always using her cell phone which was in his name.  She would call the same number frequently and the phone bill later revealed that she would call her lover quickly and have him call her back because those numbers she got calls from and talked to for long periods of time wouldn’t record the phone number if HE called her. 

 

Furthermore……cheaters think they are clever.  Woman tend to buy new lipsticks, buy new panties, shave their legs more often, not to mention other body parts.  Some men also shave areas they have never shaved before once an affair starts.  Most all of the sudden come up with friendships, classes, appointments, lifestyle changes that provide excuses are usually just that, excuses and not just lifestyle changes. 

 

If your man buys new black silk undergarments and they aren’t for you but rather for him, then they are really for her, even if they are mens.  Read that sentence twice, you need too.

 

If your man claims to go to work earlier than the company opens, (you can only truly know when your man’s office opens if you call his f’n office at said time he says it opens by the way…) then he’s not really going to work early, he’s going to the Y for breakfast and you’ll be the one left holding the plate of runny eggs one day.

 

If you notice any or all of the above things happening in your relationship, chances are you can’t do shit for shinola about it to change it now.  You can try your hardest to prevent affairs by openly communicating with your partner.  You cannot however change the damage that has been done.  Even if you play the bleeding heart sorry partner role, or worse yet, the “come back to me, remember what we had” role, he may come back but it will only be temporary because the next time he has a meeting at work, even if he goes to a work meeting you will go insane pacing the floors.  Insane to the point where the only relief that will come will be when he finally packs his suitcases up and leaves you to heal alone and without his lies and betrayals daily.  Remembering what you had, that’s took a big huge rewind of events didn’t it, because most likely what you had that was good, you had to dig really deep to get back to that didn’t you?  After all this is a guy that’s knee deep in someone else with his lies now.

 

Wish him well, take what you want, don’t look back and remember if your man who’s been sitting on your couch for the last couple of years watching TV all of the sudden is playing raquetball and rolling around your living room making love to the ab roller, he’s already gone, and even if he’s not, why didn’t he ever do that shit for you when he’s now interested in someone else and can do it for her?  There’s a reason why you see so many of those ab rollers at garage sales.  Those are all the smart wives getting rid of that shit while they can.

 

One last tip, if your next door neighbor comes over asking if she can “borrow” your husband to help her install, fix, repair and or mend anything in her house, tell her to fuck off and slam the door in her face.  Trust me on that one. 

7:41 p.m. ::
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