PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

train wreck blogs

Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2005
Recently I am reminded of what my life used to be like. Sure that reminder comes in the form of one of those train wreck blogs that kazoofus recently talked about on her blog. I think I used to be one of those blogs back in the day of “I hate my husband but I should love him so I love him but reality is I’m addicted to chaos so I keep getting confused about reality” entries. They feel so far away now and yet they’re so close inside of me that when I read a train wreck blog I am reminded instantly of just how much it sucks to be with a man that can’t hold down a job or provide your family with any sort of consistency. I lived it for 11 years and I hated every damn year of it. We got evicted so many times that I was numb to the issue. It became normal to up and move at a moments notice. Yes I should have stood up for myself and I should have been more aware of what was going on, but I had this blind dumb ass faith that he was my husband and therefore I should support him, respect him, help him, and in the end all I really did was enable him to be the shitty person/husband that he was.

He’s currently in the throes of moving from a house on the beach to another shitty house in Pinellas Park. The illustrious place that someone recently told me had nice houses, and yet said someone does not live in Pinellas County so what gives them the authority over this information? Either way it is my inner knowledge that my ex has probably just been evicted. He lives one block from the beach and is moving to an area that’s far far less desirable. He also has no clear cut plans and no idea what he is doing and yet he tries desperately to make it sound like a decision of his own doing rather than the forces from elsewhere that determine his fate. He doesn’t even know yet where our child will be going to school, so I took over that task and found out that he can remain in the same school that all parties agree is spectacular if I list his dwelling to be with me, which is not a lie since we share joint custody. My ex….never thought about this one tiny little unimportant to him detail.

But then again he never took responsibility for his part in the undoing of our lives, it was always something “that happened to everyone” and I should just be grateful that we had a healthy child and each other. Yah right. Life is far more complex than all of that. He never paid the bills, if he saw something he wanted he had to have it and to hell with Florida Power and besides if they turned the water off he already knew how to jimmy rig it and turn it back on. He had that sort of mentality of denial and he never took responsibility for his life.

Case in point. I often state that he does not have a job. He doesn’t. He is currently running his own business. He’s doing truss engineering drawings for others. His company is not registered, nor does he have a license, nor does he carry any construction liability insurance on his business. So it is not a legit business. But that’s ok by him. He takes whatever income he gets and to hell with the IRS or the customers who might need to rely on his insurance. He also appears to be paying a few people under the table to help him do said drawings and I hope these few people don't rely on him to pay their own bills because if so they'll be mighty pissed when they show up to get a paycheck and find out that he's incognito. (Like the time he didn't pay the rent on the last house he and I lived in and he leased...the landlord had to pay to get the electricity meter reinstalled and the ex was long gone without paying any rent and the landlord had to take him to court to get a judgment which he got...but said judgment is worthless because ex has no "legit" job)
He’s a “take chances” sort of person. He doesn’t care about the next guy, he cares only about himself. In the past when he had bosses that didn’t live up to his expectations he simply became a shitty employee until the point where they would fire him for insubordination. But he would dutifully come home and tell me that he was let go or that there was a lay off or that he was downsized. But NEVER oh god NEVER did he ever admit he was fired. After years of blind faith I finally got smart to him. I finally grew up. Oh and when this happened the shit hit the fan. He didn’t like me calling him out on his lies by combating them with truths. He did not like my alliances with his bosses and my calling and questioning others about his doings. He could not stand it. That is what led to his cheating and dismissal of me as a person. He could no longer control me and therefore I served no purpose in his life. He could no longer lie to me and manipulate me into having pity on him and “supporting” his wrong doings.

Currently he’s in a marriage where she’s in strong denial. He has her convinced that if she comes near me I will harm her. So fearful that she and I have never had a face to face conversation where she isn’t hitting her car horn and holding onto her steering wheel with white knuckles. She truly believes him when he tells her I will harm her. So she and I have never had any conversations since the night I found her crawling half naked out of my bedroom window. She believes all of his lies and I’m sure she honestly thinks he’s decided to move because they’re raising the rent rather than “oh shit honey we got evicted” because those words are not a part of his admission.

Recently while reading about someone else’s train wreck, that I read with fascination because I want to understand why I allowed that to happen to me and why I was a go alonger for so long….I stumbled upon the reality that I could not see myself as an independent worthwhile human being. Because of what my parents failed to do raising me and then because apparently I allowed my life to be infiltrated by a man like my ex.

It is sad to me that women so often allow themselves to be placed in this situation. It’s as if we are afraid that we have children we can’t possibly provide for without a man. Yes there are those that love love love to point out to me that my son lives with his father. But those are the same imbeciles that don’t realize that if it weren’t this way his father would abandon his responsibilities financially and otherwise. I believe him to be a psychopath. Not as in the sort that will kill someone...but rather he has a psycopathic personality whereby he comes first. I believe he loves and adores our son the way he appears to because my son adores his Daddy because then again don't all kids love and adore their parents regardless of whether they're good parents or not?

Yes all those years of a bad marriage have left an ugly scar on me. I fight those scars often.

However like I mentioned a few days ago, I realize now what it is to be happy, to be content. Rick and I have now lived at relatively the same address for 3 years. We’ve changed addresses 3 times but have lived in the same apartment complex for all 3 of those years. The only thing that’s changed is the apartment number. We are living in an apartment by choice. I have much credit worthiness to fix after the foreclosure on the home that ex and I owned. A foreclosure brought on by the fact that he bailed on his responsibilities by leaving town and having his first affair in New York. But all of that aside, he never was a good provider. It was always a struggle to get ahead. I spent so much of my time trying to get ahead and double that amount of time trying to stay there. It was insanity really.

These days, the bills…they get paid. Rick and I work financially like a well oiled machine when it comes to bills. There’s no long drawn out discussion about what we’re going to do with the money because we both opt to pay the bills, go to work and live a normal life.

Life is not about the almighty dollar to me. It never has been, it never will be. But it’s certainly a nice thing to have. I just don’t judge myself or other’s by what they own or have or have not. I do however wonder how many people these days find themselves in shitty financial bad straights because of a husband like the one I had. I loved him, at least I honestly believed that I did at one point. Now for the life of me I cannot recall those feelings or why they existed except that he was the father of my child and such an integral part of my life. He certainly changed me and being that I am a stronger person now, a person that would never allow someone to lie so violently and so often…I should thank him. But…yah …I won’t.

I recall a few years ago someone told me they could no longer read my diary because it was a train wreck that would never change. I’ll keep reading those few train wreck blogs I know about because I really do believe that people can change their circumstances, they can overcome and they can move on and be happy one day. I believe it…because I did it. Sure my life’s not all perfect and if you listen to the assfucks of the world they’ll have you believe differently because they can’t see past what I once was to ever realize that things have changed, including me. Someday those train wrecks just might get righted on the track and make it to some exotic place……

In light of all of this I have to say I focus on Rick and I know that no one in life is perfect, but I know he’ll be all about paying the electricity bill and buying groceries and that might seem a minute detail to someone else…but to me…it’s a glorious thing to have a sense of security that the person you’re sharing your life with is after the same goals in life as you are.

I have full confidence that Rick and I will buy our own home someday, a home that we will keep and grow old in. I know this because he is not all of the things that cause a train to go astray and crash…. I love you honey….for this and so much more than I could ever write with mere words.
9:35 p.m. ::
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