PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

“trying” to be a good friend

Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005
How do you give advice to someone when you’re biased about your own feelings? How do you tell someone you struggle with the boundaries that have been set up?

I ran into this problem year’s ago with a friend who was having problems with his wife. I wanted to hate her because I so loved him. I wanted to hit her because she was hurting someone I really cared about. So when asked for advice as to how to fix his relationship with her….I was at a loss to handle it with kid gloves and without my own personal heart jumping to the microphone and speaking out loud and clear “fuck her..I love you…fuck her shit…leave her…let me love you like I imagine I could!”

I get attached to people I can talk too openly and honestly. I get attached to people that are smart and brilliant and intellectual and wait all of those things are one and the same but…I think it’s more that because of the lack of “family” in my life when I connect with anyone on a deep level and they serve as a positive influence then I value those things in a way in which other’s can’t fathom.

So…when someone I feel that way towards asks me for advice about what to do about a person in their life that is hurting them at the time, I want to murder the cause of the hurt. In other words I want to annihilate the “hurter”. Perhaps we’re all that way….but…I’m smart enough to know I can’t give that sort of advice that pops into my head. The things like “I know…put super glue in her tube of toothpaste” because those sorts of things are my evil brain speaking and not the real Kristy that I am. But I think them but don’t say them out loud. And worse yet is when someone is genuine and tells me that they value my opinion and I know that I’m saying “yes I just want you to be happy and work things out with her” and yet I’m thinking “may all her eyelashes fall out in one go and may she pee her pants in public and die a slow painful embarrassing death”.

When someone thinks you’re all good and you know that you have bad evil thoughts and you’re doing everything in your power not to blurt this out……when you’re “trying” to be a good friend…instead of simply being one from within….

Yah that sucks…
10:28 a.m. ::
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