cluttering the net since 2001

something not so grand

Tuesday, Feb. 01, 2005

Life is odd….no matter what happens to you the sun keeps coming out, people keep moving around you, the wind will still blow, and the nighttime will still come.  It’s not to say that I think some horrid thing just happened because it didn’t.  But someone I barely knew died and I’m feeling again in my life that I was so absolutely cheated out of something grand.  Yes, something like a grand parent.


I wrote to Po Bronson and told him about the recent happenings in my father’s family because he knows my entire background, things that no one here has ever read.  All I wrote was a subject line of “my grandma passed away yesterday…” and left him the link to the same entry the rest of you read.


He wrote back…


I'm very sorry about Ruth. It's sad that she was not mentally capable of being there for your father, and he seemed to be the kind of man who, if he'd only had a little more less craziness growing up, would have made it, wouldn't have turned to alcohol for so long, maybe never would have chosen your mom ... I have interviewed so many children of parents with mental illness, and of all the problems one can suffer, it ranks up there ...


I cannot say why but his words…..they hit right on target for what I have been feeling.  There’s a certain anger towards the world for it including mental illness.  For it being so hurtful and painful sometimes.


Mostly now I am doing well, but I still have bad days, bad moments, hours where I want to absolutely die and feel no more anguish.  There are still so many times now where I read other peoples blogs, hear about other peoples pain because of depression and I want to rage against god for including such a destructive illness in the world.  Yes there are those that say that cancer is worse and that there are other afflictions to fear and I could be dying of AIDS….oh but AIDS is preventable….sure cancer’s not….but why why why do people that do not have these illnesses throw them to the wind like they are dandelion fluff that will somehow dissipate just because those diseases have not affected their lives.


If it weren’t for my father being with my mother….if not for that where would I be?  I would not exist.  If my grandmother had been normal I’m positive my father would not have been with my mother.  If my mother had been normal I’m positive I would not have suffered for so many years feeling unloved and misunderstood.  If not…if not for this that…oh and that other stab in my heart…if not…then where would I be?


And then I wonder, what have I…what will I …pass onto my son because of these illnesses.  Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, a bad moment….I knowingly pull back and don’t spend the time with my son….like I’m somehow on preventative mode.  Like I can save him from the mess.  Mostly I love him without abandon and hope that he knows it despite all the cracks in my past.


I’m sure I would have loved her…..had I had the mind of the adult that I now am to knowingly see what my mother was doing then.  Had I had the capacity to see through her façade? 


And then I see the current, the tide I’m swimming in, the now of it and I realize I am so different than she ever allowed me to be.  I am doing what she said I could never.  And I am doing it without her help, money, support. I am doing it with nothing but my own tenacity and sure a little good luck.  I like to think of it as Karma finally found my front door.


Po went on to ask….


I'm thrilled to hear your school is going well, and you're progressing there. What's the name of the school?


Let it never be said that rich, famous, successful people have no heart.  That they all live somewhere above the world looking down.  That is not true.  Well unless you’re Michael Jackson and then you’re just a veritable fucked up mess.



10:43 a.m. ::
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