cluttering the net since 2001

Valentines Schmalentines....

Thursday, Feb. 14, 2002
Husband left me a Valentines Day card and all it said was “Happy Valentines Day”. Sad really….

I hate today…it’s so full of false expectations. And last night “he” and I got into a wordy confrontation. He was asking me the hardest of the hard kinds of questions about my current plans. I think he’s losing patience and I’m starting to think I don’t need this shit on top of all of the other shit in my life.

I’m now thinking of taking my stash of cash and buying that red Jeep I saw. I might as well be happy with something in my life.

If I go I can’t afford to take “Bucky”…if I stay I can’t afford to lose my mind. If I don’t do something I’ll still be feeling this way a week, a month, a year from now.

I got a Valentines Day virtual card from him that says….

Happy Valentines Day
ps don’t sweat the small stuff

is that his way of apologizing for making me so upset last night? Is he saying he’s the small stuff? What the fuck does that mean? I hate getting words from people that I don’t understand.

My situation is upsetting to say the least; I don’t need someone to scream it all out to me!

I sent him this nice card.
Yesterday....before last nights exchange.

Ugh….husband just called me up on the phone and said “Merry Christmas…I mean Happy New Years…I mean….Happy Valentine’s Day! Does he think he’s cute? What is wrong with men? Maybe its not men…maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to go buy myself a huge box of chocolate candies and just eat and cry and eat and cry… I remember in highschool they used to let people buy carnations for $1. I never got any from anyone. It was horrible to be carnation-less. Sad…that I just remembered that feeling today.

I was writing yesterday in my boredom state…..nothing came out right or good….
All there is…is this

You are different better
Sadly beautiful
Depressingly happy
An unsent letter
Written by a fool

You are so many things
But I’m always left with a dream
You remain mere silence
That never competes to
Win over my scream

You are a nightmare
Chasing me in the dark
I keep reminding myself
To stop running
But your fire is so searing
I’m too afraid of the beauty
Of your tiny sparks

Screw me back to the stars
Hang me from your sky
Kiss me into oblivion
Electrocute me as I cry

Write away all of my words
Until you’ve sucked my last wish
I sigh when you speak to me
Wrinkling underneath my clothes
Flesh against flesh like bliss

Reality comes back to me
And this…..me searching
This is all there ever is

I also wrote this nice little Valentines ditty yesterday. Do you see a mood forming? This poems form is all fucked up. My rhyme pattern is too. Today is always the same….I knew it was all coming. Fuck love! Fuck all the pretty pictures they plaster everywhere….. Fuck the fact that I even put on a bright red sexy top. Fuck it all…..

Sad Valentine

smearing chocolate
between my fingers
licking your lies off the tips

cutting out pretty paper
heart shaped pages
tied up freedom chapped my lips

kissing memory, a photo in a book
cross eyed lover with sewn lids
the past is somewhere I never look

entwining gold
lace my pretty flesh
having something worth the hold
must be more magical
than loving always less

I just remembered that I wrote a poem called Sad Valentine last year….is there something going on here??? Here’s that one from last year…

Sad valentine

there’s gold and silver
candy galore
but i have
a fistful of gore
no one loves me

stems without two lips
weak on my soul
it’s raining on my life
hiding from thunder
drowning in
the empty pool

candy crème hardened
card with no verse
dreams with no wings
today is nothing more than
a wish stuck in reverse

Happy Valentines Day to everyone. I guess I just have dreams of handfuls of daisys and handwritten poems and happy faces and all these things that I never seem to have. I'm too deep for my own good. *sigh*

I think I just want to feel loved by the one person I love.


Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
Ya just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gone that's all
I don't care what any Casanova thinks
All I can say is
Love stinks
-Joan Jett

9:59 a.m. ::
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