void
�
today i saw my ex husband
briefly
thankfully his head was obscured
chest down....headless.....in his vehicle coming to get my son
his body....his entity......was foreign to me
a shirt i never saw before
a stranger, nothing vaguely familiar
a mere stranger he is now
and then i think of the man i love now and wonder how long before he's a mere stranger
i mean ..he doesn't say things that make me feel unloved�it�s the uncertainty, the insecurity i feel, two things i�m not used to feeling
he's preoccupied with his life...getting it straight...working so much
i feel like there's a wedge between us that though neither of us wants...it is there
it's called life moves on without you
i see my ex and there is nothing
i feel nothing
i think nothing
there is absolutely nothing
its a void
he's a void
its hard to believe i spent 11 yrs of my life in the bed next to him
seems like a lie
like that can't have possibly happened
i see that and feel that nothingness and i know they are two different people
two entirely different lives and worlds��
i believe i loved my ex-husband for two months
two months�married him quickly
and then spent all those years tormented by regret
trying to convince myself it was something else
oh �but how that void i noticed today now terrifies me into rigid fear so thick you can cut it and serve it like a dead rat
a dead bloody rodent of fear�.
because�
you see�
when i wish for him�
i can lay down on my bed and put my palms up
and literally feel every inch of his body
the curve of his elbow..the line of his back.....the veins in his arms......without trying
i can will his smell, his flesh, his mouth to find my mind, my memories soothe me
when i am ragged with worry and full of ache�.full with want
i can touch his face and hear his breath, i can run my hands along a smooth
surface and remember his fingers in mine
i can�oh god willing i will always�.
i am thankful�.thankful that i �
i cannot recall anything even remotely like that about my former life
it scares me to lose this now, this love unlike that fake�the same way
to one day not feel him flowing thru my veins
to one day only know a void
i cannot fathom it
because there is a vast difference
i believe i have never loved anyone with so much self sacrifice
so much so�.that my mind is sure
i would give my own life for his
so�I ache for stars to line up
to attach my heartstrings one by one
so that we are tied together
somehow
even were it to be my tongue tied
and eyes closed
for us to be close�
~~~~~
and i can�t live if you�re not happy
i can�t live if you cry, but i can live
without you if it makes you smile
and i can�t wait to see you rise
and i can�t wait to see you shine
but i can wait for you if all you need is
time
-butch walker
you say hello, inside i�m screaming i love you
you say goodnight, in my mind
i�m sleeping next to you
you drive away from my car crash of a heart
and i don�t know�
-butch walker
if i could just get your attention
i�d never let it go
-butch walker
