cluttering the net since 2001


Sunday, Sept. 19, 2004


today i saw my ex husband


thankfully his head was obscured

chest down....headless.....in his vehicle coming to get my son

his body....his entity......was foreign to me

a shirt i never saw before

a stranger, nothing vaguely familiar

a mere stranger he is now

and then i think of the man i love now and wonder how long before he's a mere stranger

i mean ..he doesn't say things that make me feel unloved…it’s the uncertainty, the insecurity i feel, two things i’m not used to feeling

he's preoccupied with his life...getting it straight...working so much

i feel like there's a wedge between us that though neither of us wants...it is there

it's called life moves on without you

i see my ex and there is nothing

i feel nothing

i think nothing

there is absolutely nothing

its a void

he's a void

its hard to believe i spent 11 yrs of my life in the bed next to him

seems like a lie

like that can't have possibly happened

i see that and feel that nothingness and i know they are two different people

two entirely different lives and worlds……

i believe i loved my ex-husband for two months

two months…married him quickly

and then spent all those years tormented by regret

trying to convince myself it was something else

oh …but how that void i noticed today now terrifies me into rigid fear so thick you can cut it and serve it like a dead rat

a dead bloody rodent of fear….


you see…

when i wish for him…

i can lay down on my bed and put my palms up

and literally feel every inch of his body

the curve of his elbow..the line of his back.....the veins in his arms......without trying

i can will his smell, his flesh, his mouth to find my mind, my memories soothe me

when i am ragged with worry and full of ache….full with want

i can touch his face and hear his breath, i can run my hands along a smooth

surface and remember his fingers in mine

i can…oh god willing i will always….

i am thankful….thankful that i …

i cannot recall anything even remotely like that about my former life

it scares me to lose this now, this love unlike that fake…the same way

to one day not feel him flowing thru my veins

to one day only know a void

i cannot fathom it

because there is a vast difference

i believe i have never loved anyone with so much self sacrifice

so much so….that my mind is sure

i would give my own life for his

so…I ache for stars to line up

to attach my heartstrings one by one

so that we are tied together


even were it to be my tongue tied

and eyes closed

for us to be close…


and i can’t live if you’re not happy
i can’t live if you cry, but i can live
without you if it makes you smile
and i can’t wait to see you rise
and i can’t wait to see you shine
but i can wait for you if all you need is

-butch walker

you say hello, inside i’m screaming i love you
you say goodnight, in my mind
i’m sleeping next to you
you drive away from my car crash of a heart
and i don’t know…

-butch walker

if i could just get your attention
i’d never let it go

-butch walker
11:09 p.m. ::
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