cluttering the net since 2001

accidental admission of "what would I do???"

Tuesday, Jun. 25, 2002
written at 7:29 a.m. on 6/25/02

I just turned my TV on and let me just ask “What the hell ever happened to Celine Dion retiring? I for one thought it was a great idea!!

Last night I read John O’Farrells short story in “Speaking with Angels” and if you could see me “mime” then you would see that I am grabbing my throat and gagging myself. I was NOT at all impressed by John thru reading that story. I think Helen Fieldings story was pretty ok though. Overall, I wasn’t into that book. I don’t think I’m a fan of short stories that’s all.

Last night I slept wrong or maybe I hurt myself and now this morning I have a crick in my neck that feels like someone’s slicing my neck open with an ice pick. My eyes feel hazed over with sand paper and they are effectively making my eyelids cry every time I blink. It’s going to be a looong day.

Ok…so maybe I ought to mention that I was in a car accident. But I don’t feel like talking about it. Just …if you recall my former entry about “him” forewarning me. It was much like that psychic forewarning and has totally freaked me out.

I spoke to Tim last night who proceeded to play me a ton of songs off of his work pc. He has the same varied tastes that I have. I think that’s so totally kewl. And I can’t help but laugh when he says with that Alabama drawl “heyy heyyy check this one out….”

Then I called “him” to tell “him” about his psychic powers. He got real quiet and kept asking me if I was ok. I kept saying, “yeah I think so” Then he would say, “you need to go to a doctor”. I wanted to say, “no insurance” but I kept saying, “yeah ok”.

When I speak to him and he talks about his regular life it is so far removed from mine that I just feel like I wouldn’t ever fit in. It would be like going to a circle party wearing stripes. I don’t know why, but he was telling me all this personal stuff about himself. I think he felt bad that his premonitions were so right. “Bucky” was in the vehicle with me and “he” kept telling me that he was glad that “Bucky” was ok. “He” told me that he meditates and was talking about the effects of it on his life. And now I want to go and get a meditation tape and learn how. He said he sits on his bed naked and that he concentrates on his blood flow and heartbeat and stuff. I can’t even imagine finding the time to sit still on my bed let alone nude. I mean I can see me sitting there nude with my arms out trying to feel the chi or whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing and having “Bucky” run in and say “hey Mommy can I have a Popsicle…” and then bursting out in giggles… “ewwww Mommy’s naked” and running off. I don’t think I could concentrate on my heartbeat or whatever. This meditation thing has got to be a lone sport. Period.

Tonight husband and “Bucky” are going to their first nighttime Tae Kwon Doe class. Yeah husband is taking Tae Kwon Doe. I think I’m going to go find a writing course to take. In fact I am!! No “I thinks” about it. I am going to.

Not to jump back, but I just remembered how “he” said, “I don’t know…this accident freaks me out because I can’t imagine …. What if something really bad happened to you? What if you died and I got enough details wrong that I couldn’t really warn you? I kept saying, “Don’t sweat it, you didn’t wish an accident on me, you just foresaw it..what are the winning lottery numbers???” He kept saying, “no I’m serious you goof, I would miss you so much. I would lose my best friend.”

I think it’s been so established that he and I are very close. I sent him a fax last week and he said, “I knew it was from you but why didn’t you put your name on it?” I said, “Cause you knew it was from me already.”

Sometimes I think I am too afraid to believe that a relationship with another man could be exactly like it is with him. It’s beyond my comprehension because I’ve never seen it like that in person. He said, “The only thing we don’t know is what it feels like to hold each other”. To which I said, “I know… He said, “ever think that you’d find that out and be happy?” I said, “every single day…”

In closing…. VH1 really sucks in the mornings…. It’s like lifetimetv on music crack!

8:17 a.m. ::
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