cluttering the net since 2001

what now...what now...

Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004
I went to the hospital this morning at 2 a.m. Last night I was feeling bad, feverish and I started puking up what little I had to eat yesterday. I figured it was stress. I put my pajama’s on and went to bed crying. Being hung up on by R over the phone…was upsetting me. At least that’s what I thought. I laid down. While I was trying to go to sleep I was hot, sweaty (air conditioning’s been turned down low) and then I felt wet and got up and went into the bathroom and my pants were bloody. This light pale kind of blood. Chloe was licking it off of my pajama pants that I threw on the floor. This made me sick and I ended up throwing up into the bathtub several times. I tried to call my ex, I tried to call Cathy…there wasn’t anyone around answering their phone. I laid in the bathtub partially dressed crying. I finally shoved washrags into my shorts and went to the hospital because the pain was intense and I was scared. I have no insurance and no money…but I couldn’t just lay there and die alone. I get to the hospital and then I lay on a cold cot for what felt like hours. They took blood they made me pee in a tiny little cup. I was so thirsty and they wouldn’t let me have any water. I just laid there and cried.

About a half hour later they came in and told me I was pregnant and there were complications. They gave me nothing. There is no medical treatment. They released me this morning at 8 a.m. and sent me home after I lied and said a cab was coming and that I would take time off of work. I even called the cab and then walked past it when it got there. I am currently not bleeding. I am currently sick to my stomach. I am currently at the library getting directions to an interview I have to go to tomorrow. I cannot not have a job like this. I just cannot. I can’t talk to R because his nephew says I can’t even though there’s not an injunction in effect because I dropped it yesterday. Who the fuck is he to even get involved? Whatever kinda crap that is. Cathy’s now telling me he’s only talking to me and saying the right things because he wants me to go into the DA’s office and exonerate all of my former statements. This is his child and from what the doctors tell me if I rest, take time off of work…get help…I might be ok. Right now there’s been no bleeding for hours. They said I had to eat right, sleep a lot. As if I have those two options right now. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Right before I have to meet with the DA.

I thought I had gotten my period a week ago and I’ve been spotting here and there but it wasn’t anything that I gave concern to because I’ve been so stressed out and busy dealing with everything else in my fucked up life. My periods are so erratic that I rarely pay attention to this shit. I wanted so badly to have this happen and now it’s here and I don’t know what I want except that I don’t want to lose it either. Not like this. Not given just to be taken away. And now…this baby’s father isn’t even in the picture. Go figure. I’m such a fuck up. I don’t know if he and I will ever work things out. He told me last night he wants to date me. He wants to see me once a week. I can’t do that shit. I can’t go backwards in the relationship. I can’t think straight. I want to take some Zoloft and I can’t. They told me not to take anything right now. I did eat lunch. I forced myself to eat vegetable soup and now I want to throw up again.

This all just sucks. Why me? Yes I want to have a pity party now. A week ago I had a life. I thought I was happy. I thought I was where I wanted to be. Right now I don’t want to talk to R because I don’t know what to say. How do you say I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m losing my mind. How do I explain anything to him when I don’t even know what it is I want. They told me they could give me a drug that would move things along if I didn’t want to sit and wait it all out because 90% of the time when there are these complications this early on there isn’t a good outcome. I opted to wait and see. I don’t know how to make a decision like that about a child I didn’t even know about until last night. I don’t want to answer questions or be questioned about this. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok. Where is the fucking good witch Glenda when these things happen to me? Where the fuck is she?

I don’t want to not tell him and I sorta already did tell him, but I don’t want him coming back into my life because of something else. I didn’t tell him but I called his brother and told him I was pregnant..he didn’t say a word. Fuck this…fuck all of it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up….not ever wake up again…it’s all too painful and I just can’t go through all of this alone. I wanted to marry him, to make him a daddy…I wanted all of this…and now its all too late…too messed up…. It all makes me want to go lay in my bed, drop a bottle of everything I can buy with the money I have in the bank and just die there alone like I was intended to do. But then I think about my son…this child….this is a child God gave me…just to take it away? Just to hurt me more? Why? Why? Why?

I’m supposed to go back to the hospital if the bleeding comes back. They said that sometimes this happens but the baby is still ok. I am due somewhere in around late February or early March as best I can figure without having much information yet. I want to crawl into bed for the next 8 months and wrap my arms around my stomach and…I can’t…I have to find a job…pay my bills…stop crying..I have got to stop crying…


Week 4 & 5 - Gestational Age (Fetal Age - Weeks 2 & 3):

Arm and leg buds are visible, but not clearly distinguishable. The heart is now beating at a steady rhythm. The placenta has begun to form and is producing some important hormones including hCG. There is movement of rudimentary blood through the main vessels. The early structures that will become the eyes and ears are forming. The embryo is ¼ inch long by the end of these weeks.
3:36 p.m. ::
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