cluttering the net since 2001

what once was gone is now found again

Tuesday, Apr. 23, 2002
I had this friend Joe that I met on ICQ a long long time ago. He was awesome. Joe and I used to have a standing Sunday night 10 p.m. chat. I wrote this poem on May 20, 20001 which included Joe….

God Bernie Joe and a Vibrator (The only four things I need in life)

I sat to consider
And consider this
What in life do I
Need beyond
Beyond what is

The pursuit of
Is simple
Simply this
Nothing more
Something less

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the bible
Yeah well…
The rest you know.

That counts one
One’s been counted
And I’ve won
I suppose
Everyone knows
The power
of God’s son

He’s as sweet
As Bert and Ernie
But like them
I never meet
Him at all

Be fair to me
Big Bird
Could sit

But would he
Sit with me
If not Bernie
Bernie could not
Come to call

Sunday night
After prayer
I go nowhere
But everywhere
With context
Intense in text
With Joe
Theory this
And theory sat
Have you ever
Thought this
Or wondered that

Joes a mind full
Fuck full
Mind fuck fool
Of everything
Can I say fuck
And Jesus in
The same
Poem thing?
Joe’s theory says
I can do
Just about

My power tool
My task
Is his job?
That’s my
One vice
Something Naughty
is something
Bought not borrowed
It’s perfectly nice

These 4 people
They form my
Church’s steeple
The things I need
To breath in life
Live through bad
And surpass all strive

Then something happened unbeknownst to me and Joe disappeared. I sent him one or two emails wondering and questioning and a few pm’s looking…and then I just accepted that he was gone. Gone for no reason. It bothered me but I accepted because Joe taught me about Maximum Capacity. He wrote this piece about his theory Maximum Capacity… This one piece has kept me sane through so much….through things he hasn’t even been present for….

Maximum Capacity

It is the natural order of things that a container can contain only so much. When it's full, you can fit no more. A one-gallon jug holds one gallon, and no matter what you do you can't fit two gallons into a one-gallon jug.

Ever been in a busy elevator? When the elevator stops there's always some idiot trying to rush into the elevator without letting people out of the elevator first.

Everything has a maximum capacity. Hearts and minds are the same way.

It's a scientific fact that if I read you a list of 20 nouns, you will only be able to remember 7 of them at once. If you remember an 8th that means you'll have forgotten one of the others.

When you're in love with someone, that person becomes like the sun. When you look at the sun, its brilliance blinds you to everything else. It's only when you stop looking at the sun that everything else comes back into focus.

For whatever reason, for better or worse, it doesn't look like he is going to pan out. Strange though it may seem, that's a good thing. As your love and your sorrow fade away, it's like emptying. As bad as that feeling is, that's a good thing too. It's only once you've emptied that you can start to fill again.

Just like the sun, once you turn your head, everything else comes back into focus. You'll again see things you'd forgotten, and maybe see a few new things you never noticed.

If this love isn't going to work out, then it's good that things are ending. If he is not the one, then they deserve no space in your heart or mind. Clearing it away makes space for someone who does deserve it.

I missed Joe so many times and always most on Sunday nights….. Then today….after last nights fiasco and all day wondering what’s the point of getting close to people that drift away…I get this email….

>From: "Digitalicat ."
>To: kristy@(*&@(*@l.com
>Subject: Apologies for my long absence
>Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 13:38:30 -0700
>I'll keep this message short. I'm sure there have been things
>happening in your life, and I don't want to type for ages only to
>have my message bounced.
>Are you still there?

I thought about writing “nope…I’m dead” out of pure frustration. I didn’t.
Then I thought I’ll write nothing and do what he did.
Then I did what I always do….because I can’t hide my true want for connection.

I replied as follows….

*kristy glances at her email nonchalantly*

"WOAH! Is that really JOE??????"

*kristy sits back down in her chair....pushes her hair behind her ear for the thousandth time in the last hour and stares off into space*

*straightens her skirt and trys to look as though she doesn't care*

*walks away from her pc....*


*sits down...and replies....

Wait....that would be redundant...I already did that....


Teeheee….I hope he smiles and I hope like hell he replies….

Maybe I’m luckier than I ever think I am…..I am always blessed by meeting and getting to know the most amazing people. I wonder if those people ever feel that way about having met me. I never think I am worth anyone meeting but then why do I find such amazing people somehow?

I have this one line on my website that I feel always floating in my veins. I wonder about it constantly….

I want to have meant enough that some part of who I was will always be some small part of who you have yet to be.
9:09 p.m. ::
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