PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

the way you are? or the way I will be?

Sunday, Aug. 18, 2002
Ok so have I been right here before? Yeah…I have. And the bitch of it is, the voice from the past chose to point it out too. If you’re reading this..sometimes you suck because you couldn’t. Sometimes you suck because you can’t. And sometimes you just suck because you seem to think no one else can or will either! And I don’t care if you get pissed…I really don’t need this shit in my life anymore. I am better than….this. I don't need to feel this stuff anymore..
and I am not talking to 't'

t: ?

me: ?

t: hey you

me: you hey

t: when did you get back?

me: get back

me: i never left

me: well not very long

t: yes you did...

me: i

me: can't

me: sleep

t: why not

me: i don't know

me: who ever knows

me: why i can't sleep

t: need some one to wear you out

me: i sit up and i feel sleepy

me: then i lay down and i'm wide awake

me: then i roll around and get frustrated

me: so then i sit up

t: sit up and sleep?

me: i can't do that unless i'm at work

t: that is not a good place to sleep

me: yes but it's boring there

t: right....work is fun

t: ;-)

me: phhhft

t: you could go out for run?

me: lol

me: you're funny

t: nope...

t: or a walk

me: in florida in the dark

me: it was nice knowin ya

t: it is nearly 530 there...

t: sun should be coming up

me: its 6:14 a.m.

t: ok

me: and no sun

t: day light yes...sun

t: and

t: I will walk around FL at night no prob

me: thats you

t: 614 ....no sun?

t: that is not right

me: nope

me: no sun

me: yet

t: at 614 in nc there is sun

me: *shrugs*

me: i can only tell you what time it is and

that there is only dark

t: must be the northern lights?

me: and that i can't sleep

me: and that no one can fix it

t: no one?

me: no one as of yet

me: i am a sad emotionally unstable girl who

can't sleep

t: just wait.......

t: when I get there...

t: I will wear you out...

t: running...

t: pumping iron

me: i have so many hangups i have clothespins

falling out of my ass

t: push up

me: lol

me: as if i could ever do those things

me: surely you jest

t: why not?

t: I used to say....

t: I cant do that...

t: I could never do 80 sit-ups in less than 2

minutes

t: I could never run two miles in 13 minutes

me: lol this is humorous

t: why?

me: because i will never do those things

t: I was a certified couch potatoe...

t: befroe the term was invented

t: why wont you?

me: because I just won't

me: surely you don't think you can convert me

t: yep...

me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

me: you are a funny guy

t: I know that I will never be able to run 13

2-mile again

t: now days I am lucky to make 16 min two

mile

t: oh well

t: <----places his hand on Kristy's forehead

t: <----yells "YOU ARE CONVERTED MY CHILD

t: :-)

t: there

t: better

me: phhhft

me: you're funny

t: no phhft

t: and no phhhft either

t: ;-P

me: lol

t: :P

me: lol

t: so....

t: why do you think that it is not possible?

me: because I am realistic

t: and so am I...

t: do you know what I did my fisrt 2 mile run

int?

me: you are highly optimistic

t: 27 minutes it took me

t: 27 minutes....

me: i don't know if I could run 2 miles in any

amount of time

t: sure you cna...

t: can

me: lol

t: you just have to give it a shot

me: you don't know me so well

t: trust me

me: yes but why?

t: trust me...

me: why would I want to?

t: why would I want to bicycle for 100 miles?

me: cause your nuts?

t: so I can say i did it...

t: that is all

me: phhhft

me: i can say I ran 2 miles

me: hey t ...I ran 2 miles

me: see how easy that was?

t: hmpft

me: hmpft nothing

me: i'm a mess

t: have you ever heard of runner's HIGH

me: i don't know why you don't listen to me

t: becasue I am deaf....I told you that

already...

me: ok then

t: now...

t: of course...

t: when you start off running....

t: you should pick a distance ....

t: 2 miles is a good place...

t: now...

t: are you listening Kristy?

me: yes

t: ok,.....

me: <---puts head on wall

t: do you have access to a standard running

track?

me: i have no idea

me: lol

me: why would I know this?

t: local high school should have one

t: why wouldn't you..?

me: sure...and I know exactly where that is

t: ok..

me: because I don't run

me: lol

me: doh

t: now ...

t: 8 times around that track is 2 miles

me: OMG

t: 8 short laps is all

me: i'd be lucky to walk around 8 times

me: geez I gotta go get a personal trainer

t: then start with walking 8

me: how long are you stuck in afghanistan?

t: listen...

me: i am listening

t: I am giving straining advise....

t: unless you dont want it?

me: straining advice

me: lol

t: trainingi

t: trainining

me: no you were right the first time

t: ok...

me: <---puts head on wall and listens

t: same thing...then...

t: ok...

t: now 8 laps...no problem right...

me: ok

t: you could start off by walking 8...

t: right

me: ok

t: right

me: ok

t: ok

me: ok

t: then the next time...

me: i said ok

me: lol

t: run 1/2 lap...and walk 1.5 laps....

t: ok

t: ok

me: ok

t: then the next time run 1 walk one....

t: and so on and so forth...

t: right..

me: ok

t: of course...

t: I know that it is hard than it sounds...

me: nothing is impossible if you keep at it

t: i am trying to explain...

t: don't give in

t: than after a few weeks when you are

running around the track 12 times or so...

t: then start timing yourself....

t: use inteval training to decrease your

times

t: so how does that sound?

me: exhausting

t: I aint going to lie to you...

t: it will be..

t: You should be sore the first few days...

me: but wait...who said I wanted to run 2

miles?

t: and are not going to want to do it any

more...

t: do it

me: <-------looks at the couch lovingly

t: i said you want to run to miles...

t: do I need to threaten you?

me: lol

me: you say I want to run 2 miles?

t: yep...

me: you have decided I want to?

t: Yes...

t: now listen...

t: shhhh

t: sh

t: shhhhh

t: stopp typeing

t: stoip

me: k

t: ok

t: hey

t: I saw that k

t: ok

t: now you can type; repeat after me ok

t: I want to run 2 miles.....

t: say it

me: lol

t: not lol

t: I want to run 2 miles.....

me: t wants to run 2 miles

t: nope Kristy wants to run 2 miles

me: nope kristy wants to run 2 miles

t: good.

t: now..

t: <---pack stop watch

t: ok

t: now...

t: when I get there....

t: I am going to time you ik

t: ok

t: ;-P

me: omg

me: have you been talking to “him”?

t: nope

t: nope

t: nope

t: why?

me: “him” of the "buy this book...read it

all...I'm checking and you better be reading it!”

t: wy do you think that?

t: nope no test...

t: which book?

me: “him” of the "you're lazy...you need to

excercise...merry happy birthday ..here have some

excercise tapes"

t: nope...

t: this is something that I think you will

enjoy...

me: “him” of the "go get online and listen to

dr. atkins tell you how to get skinny"

t: Oh dr. atkins...

me: “him” of the "I will fix you, then I can

love you" disease

t: Go Protein power

t: nope.

t: I love you just the way you are...

t: what I want is you to love yourself

me: “him” of the just said today "you were

doing pretty good, just need to get you on track"

t: as much

t: what ever...

t: listen to me...

t: hello

me: hello

t: hello kristy

t: ok

t: do you know when some of my most peaceful

times are?

me: lol making jelly fish?

t: nope

t: that is stress full

me: oh come on you gotta laugh at that

t: becasue what iff the curtain came open

me: that is stressful?

me: lol

t: exactly...

t: some of the most peacful times are after

about 5 miles.....

t: I cannot hardly go another step...

t: the endorphins are pumping through my

system...

t: and the only thing on my mind is keep

going...

t: nothing else...other than "why don't I

quit smoking"

t: bu that is it...

t: no thoughts...

t: no problems exist then...

t: in fact I sing to myself

t: that is all...

t: then you know what happens?

t: when I get back....

me: you pass out ?

t: nope...

t: I feel like I am ready to go run again...

me: sick

t: let me tell you something here...

t: I have spent pretty much the last 3 months

sitting on my buttocks...

t: right...

me: ok

t: over the past week or so...

t: I have been picking up the pace more and

more everyday...

t: and I have been feeling better and better

every day...

t: you know why....

me: are ya gonna tell me?

t: because I have decided that I am going to

be all that I can be.....

t: ;-)

me: oh man

t: I am going to have my 18" bi cepts back...

t: I am going to have my 34 jeans back...

me: and what prompted all of this?

t: I am going to have my chisled legs back...

t: do you want to know the real truth?

me: always

t: one of my friends here said T...

t: you need to get off your ass and do

something....

t: and I started doing it and I am becoming

addicted again...

t: are you ready for a dark sid eof me?

me: lol...ok

t: for the nearly the past 3 years....

t: I have been hating the army...

me: omg no way

t: I have been doing the basic minumum to get

by...

t: I have let myself go....

me: i find this hard to believe

t: do you know the at one time...

t: I was 180 lbs of muscle....

t: I even had ripped abs and everything

me: ok I want to ask you a

question....something that I observed

me: ok?

me: can I?

t: ok

t: yep

me: i think you love the army deep down inside

me: i think someone made you question your

loyalty

me: and i think you feel you lost that

marriage because of the army

me: thats what I think

t: ok

t: maybe...

t: but now...

t: I am starting to get that be all youcan be

feeling back..

t: and I think it is just something that

everyone should enjoy....

t: I am not trying to change you...

me: that's a good feeling...

me: sure you are

t: I am trying to share the feeling with you

t: nope

me: but I'm not in the Army

t: so...

me: ok....

t: alot of people who run are not in the army

me: before we continue this can I tell you

something?

t: shoot

me: i had a conversation that i wish I had

saved

me: about 2 weeks ago

me: with “him”

t: ok

me: he's on this huge excercise kick

me: has been for awhile

me: i asked him if he could run

me: and how hard was it to learn to run

me: he said "why....are you seriously telling

me you want to run?"

me: to which I said something like..

me: 'what if you loved someone that did

something and you wanted to be a part of their

life....would you seriously try to learn about it?"

t: ...

t: awww

t: so do you want to learn?

me: yes...but i gotta tell ya

me: this all feels suspiciously like him

always trying to make me fit some fucking mold he had

in his head

t: lol

t: nope

t: no mold here....

t: lol

t: ;-)

t: but Kristy I am not trying to change

you...

t: trust em

t: me

me: but do you know where that thought comes

from?

t: where babe?

me: ok...let me interject something here..

t: ok

me: i realize and i have realized for a long

time that i'm not happy with my life and that there

are things that need to change and I have begun to

make those changes

t: ok

me: sometimes it all seems pointless and I

give up because i feel like i'm tackling the

impossible all alone and without any support

t: ok

me: and yup... I do these excercise

tapes...that “him” bought for me cause he wanted a size

5 ass

me: now he keeps getting size 5 asses and

calls me for everything else

me: go figure

t: brb

t: the ltu in kabul is down....so much for a

day off and going to the gym

t: but I have to go baby

me: ok

t: I am not trying change you...

t: I love you the way you are...

t: and If you had a size 5 ass...

t: i wouldn't look twice at you ok

me: lol

t: but I got to go

me: ok

me: i'm not upset with you

me: just so you know...

me: i think i get it

t: there are nothing but idiot operators in

this network and I have to everything for their stupid

asses...

t: so dont forget it

t: ok

t: I love you

t: bye

me: bye

Read a book? Learn a new skill? Now run 2 miles…be timed… phhft…

5:00 p.m. ::
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