remember the good, will ya?

I haven't updated in 3 days and I thought it was just because I've been busy working and living life. But I've come to realize that it's because I am changing. I am not this desolate sadness I was when I started. It's because everything I type out becomes subject for argument with my boyfriend. It's because everything I think and feel for even one fraction of a second where I write here becomes something I defend, explain or detail later with Rick. I liked that he read, I don't want to hide anything from him, but I've lost my place to be myself raw. Raw like a new cut, raw like my true thoughts always are.

I mostly feel like he's always mad at me for something even if he's not. It's the way he carries himself, its all the prior dissapointments, its not him or me, but perhaps the combination. I don't want to make anyone unhappy with the things that I have yet to overcome. But I also realize I am doing much better. I am much different. I am much the same. It makes no sense to try to understand a person from the ten minute freeze frames that become a diary/journal. It would go much farther if you just held a person without holding them back.

I love you Rick. I always will. I just sometimes feel like its never just ok for me to be me, myself, rather than a silent lie. And I mean silent lie in the sense of "if I can't be myself then I am being a lie for you."

This is who I am. Either you like it or you don't. I never pretended to be anyone else. I just got tired of defending myself.

The part of this that you won't remember is where I said I love you. You'll remember the part where I said something negative instead. That's not my fault, quit making me pay the price for it.

Remember I said I love you.

PoeticaL