PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

wishes

Thursday, Nov. 21, 2002
“I SPENT ALL MY WISHES
WISHING TIMES WERE GOOD
WHEN I STILL COULD
WAIT AROUND HERE
FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE ME
PAST THE GOOD SIDE
AT IT FOR SO LONG
YOU DON'T SHOW THERE'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING TEARING YOU APART
ALWAYS SO MUCH LONGER
THAN YOU COUNTED ON
IT HITS YOU SO MUCH HARDER
THAN YOU THOUGHT
BUT YOU DON'T WORRY
DON'T WORRY
CUZ YOU GOT SOUL”


matchbox twenty

The only thing in my CD player is this new CD. I’m already addicted to it. I’ve tried to put other things in so I don’t tire of it, but I last about one song and I want it back on. Those above lyrics really hit me hard.

The other night “he” told me something about thinking that wishes were limited. That you only got so many in life. And so he spent his wisely. Something about this has stuck in my head for awhile. The notion that life gives you only so many wishes. And then today I again heard the lines

“I SPENT ALL MY WISHES
WISHING TIMES WERE GOOD”

I was reminded of his belief that you only get so many wishes. I’ve been wasting a lot of time wishing for good times. And honestly, you can’t wish that into happening. You have to “make” it happen. I’m starting to believe wishing for happiness is akin to paying for air. You don’t have to do that. I mean happiness isn’t a given for sure, look at all the angst right here at diaryland. If happiness were so easy to attain, lots of us would be out of a writing gig. But my point being happiness is something you choose. You either take ahold of it, or you sit around drowning in misery. Yes I’ve tons to be sad, angry, hateful, and in despair about. I have lists and lists of wrong doings I could cry and shout and feel depressed about. Oh boy do I have reasons… But I also have tons of reasons to be happy. Happiness is just harder to embrace because it doesn’t come raging at you with smiles and joy. It is there, its not a wish, it’s reality. Just like the oxygen around you that you take for granted. I have as many reasons to be happy. They are just more silent than the anger and despair.

My reasons to be happy?

I haven’t spent all my allotted wishes before coming to my senses about my foolishness, therefore I have a few wishes left and I know I’ll be truly entirely happy before I’ve wasted them all.

Someone chose to spend one of his precious “wishes” on helping me. That makes me happy to think I am worth that much to another human being.

My son is happy and healthy and doing reasonably well in school, and his mere existence is definitely a blessing in my life. If I can’t be happy about him, then I would just be hopeless.

My car is running well, even if I hate it, it’s running and paid for and therefore a source of happiness.

I have a really kewl cell phone. Ok so this is a lame thing to be happy about, but it is still a thing to be happy about. And all the lame things you can think of to be happy are far better than the tons of lame reasons to sit around being miserable. I have had those phones that cut off midway through a conversation. Or the phones that never ring even though someone’s calling. Now all I have to do is learn to speak “louder” and “into” the receiver at the correct angle so that I can be heard hundreds of miles away.

There’s a business start up in my life. It’s a great business and it’s successful. Success is a happy feeling. Success is a fulfilling feeling. And it’s not free, it’s work to attain success. But c’mon success is right there with happiness. And I can say I know what it’s like to take an idea, put it into play and see it turn profitable.

I have learned that I may not have family, I may not even have tons of friends, but the ones I do have are amazingly great and that makes me happy. I don’t have a thousand crappy friends, I have a few wonderful, tolerant, and caring friends. I’m a lucky girl and this is definitely a source of happiness for me.

I have learned to stop worrying and start thinking. Thinking in the sense that it’s far better to concentrate on where you want to be rather than where you are. You will never get there if you can’t see yourself arriving there. Learning this lesson definitely provides happiness. I know that I can spend my time doing something other than painful worrying.

I have learned that I am never working on a mere “project” but that everything I set about doing is a “masterpiece” because otherwise, why put forth all your effort and heart and guts into something that is only a project. Hear me roar, I am a masterpiece in the making. I am not working this hard to turn out just another “project”.

I have learned that to fail is not a bad thing. To fail and quit is a bad thing. To fail and look for a better way is to succeed. I started to write a novel and got all tangeled up in my need for perfection, I thought I was failing and I stopped. Instead of quitting, I stopped. There is a difference. I stopped and looked for answers, education, refueling, and reevaluated my reasons for writing in the first place. And ya know, its not about nano saying I am successful or someone else saying it. It’s about the joy I find in writing when I freefall and write for the joy of writing. I bought a few books, read a few thousand articles and plan to resume and maybe even catch up. This lesson being behind me makes me happy. Happy that I am not a quitter, but rather a fighter. I have learned to work towards the things I want in life. I don’t wish to be a writer, I am a writer! I am working towards being the writer I know I can be. This process makes me happy.

So, in light of all those revelations about who I am and where I am and what I want, I am happy. I might have a shitload of shit in my life right now. But like the song says, I have soul and life will always hand you shit. It’s just a fact. All the things I deal with in my life are things other’s before me have dealt with.

I hope the difference is in the fact that I fight with a purpose. I fight because I know that happiness is all around me and I want to breath it freely. If I had one wish left, just one, I wouldn’t wish for my happiness, because “he” taught me how to go after it. I know I’ll get there full force someday. I have the skills necessary to make it happen.

I’d wish for his happiness. Not that he needs my wish, he knows how to attain happiness and success. I’d give it to him cause there’s no one in my life more deserving of my last wish. No one.

If you have a wish, spend it wisely. If you have dreams, chase em. If you think unhappiness is easy to have, then you quit looking at all your reasons for being happy.

Yeah, I just needed to say that. I wanna die with wishes left over. Besides, wishes don’t make things happen, they just wish for them to happen. Actions make things happen. Actions, belief, and maybe a few prayers thrown in to strengthen your faith, that is what makes things happen. That and some great web design! :-)

No more “wishing” for happiness. I’m finding it myself.

-PoeticaL


Wishing dreams never uttered
For dedicated love songs never sung
-madprophet
1:10 p.m. ::
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