cluttering the net since 2001

what would buddha do?

Friday, May. 05, 2006
For the last few weeks I have been seeking knowledge, power and enlightenment. I read an entry at kristyk.org’s site and it got to me on a deep level. It was about religion/faith/belief, etc. She had a link to another site and I browsed and felt some deep longing inside that I cannot even begin to speak of. I struggled because there’s been a gaping hole in my soul for quite some time now. I was raised with one belief and yet that belief was thrust upon me only by birthright and I found myself in disagreement with large contexts of what that faith entailed.

Later I was pushed prodded and shoved into Christianity and found every Christian that I met throughout that experience was not righteous, forthright, peaceful or something I would wish to emmulate. I do not believe you can go weekly to church and then live the other 6 days of the week as a criminally minded liar, cheat etc. I met many people who judged others and wished to control who came into the church and who did not. I encountered power seekers and way too many fish emblem carrying people with ugly interiors. My experiences are not necessarily any one elses but this Christian born again thing has never done it for me. You are born once, you can find peace and become more one with your beliefs and actions but you are not born again and then relieved of your sins as you comit them simply because "Jesus forgives." I believe that Jesus does not forgive but rather "accepts" you faults and all. This is not an excuse to live a misguided life as so many think.

I do not believe in organized religion and I do not believe in

1. judging others
2. being untruthful
3. cheating
4. stealing
5. hurting others

In my lifetime I have done all of the above. I have learned the misfortunes of the outcomes of doing the above things. This entry is not me saying I am righteous and without fault.

However, most recently I have asked myself what the future outcomes will be for my son for all that he has witnessed to date.

Will he think it’s ok to cheat on his spouse? Will he think it’s okay to lie to your potential customers as his father has and does on his company website? Will he believe that if you are married and not happy that it is okay to commit unfathomable acts and blame it on others? Will he be a byproduct of his father’s beliefs or of my beliefs?

In this pondering came the notion that I myself have not found solid footing spiritually. I believe in a higher power and believe that higher power has a hand in all that happens or does not happen. I have always believed strongly in Karma as well. I have lived that philosophy for most of my adult life. And yes I have been on the receiving end of bad karma due to my bad intentions and decisions, etc. Again let me reiterate I am not perfect.

While all of this was festering within, I found myself having difficulty dealing with my patience levels, anger, long held disappointments in people and I honestly have yet to forgive certain people their heinous crimes against me. I sometimes think I have but then I continue driving the car of life and find myself turning into the same corners of discontent and pain. I like to think I have truly tackled some things and yet find that they anger me more at times than they did in the past. I realize there is no future in the past, but have seen therapists and counselors and taken this drug and that drug and yet I am either numbed by chemicals into believing I am ok and better or I am frustrated to realize I am not even close to being at peace with certain painful things.

I am angry with people who have lied to me, cheated me, misled me, and left me. Missed expectations and seemingly careless people who destroy lives hurt me. I seriously question a lot.

While all of this struggle has been going on I spoke to someone that I found to be full of wisdom and more importantly had horror stories to tell about the injustices of her own life. The hatred she encounters due to her lesbianism and lifestyle choices. And yet she is in a 20 year long beautiful empowering relationship whereby for the first time in her adult life she has another human being who encourages her to be successful and happy.

I asked her how she was so happy and calm having been so wronged by so many. She simply replied, “I am at peace with other’s because other’s are simply not on the right path for themselves yet, I cannot lead the world where I go, I can only lead myself through a world I can live with.”

I was so lost by this point. But then she brought me a book. (and really how better to gain my full attention on one level and yet thump me on a spiritual one….I hate being spiritually thumped and hate Bible thumpers. I believe that if you find what works for you why then do you have the need to throw it in every one else’s face. Why do I abhor this?

1. two women who were fucking my first husband while he was still my husband tried to either give me a bible, get me to attend a bible function or tried to pray for my soul “with” me. (because why pray for your own misquided soul when there’s the wife of the man you’re boinking in front of you to pray for???)

Yes my personal experiences have dirtied my already dirty laundry.

Yet, a few actions and happenings in my life had led me to a place within myself where I am seeking answers. I don’t know if I’ve found them yet…however I do know that I feel as though through reading about Buddism that perhaps I have found some answers to my own personal need to let go, breath, find peace and forgive the world and all of it’s people for the misgivings I cannot yet cope with.

I am not praying to a plastic Buddha. I am not lighting incense. I am however, seeking peace. Seeking inner peace with which I can give back to a world that has been kind enough to allow me another day to thrive, seek and breath. I am simply trying to be me. The me I was before I got so jaded with the world around me. The me that I most wish to be in my own minds eye.

From time to time I may or may not talk about this and I may or may not leave messages of enlightenment that I find. I only ask that if you don’t like what I’m doing you go in peace and seek what works for you. In addition, I am the same person….hopefully only becoming better.

To my ex-husband this is sacrilegious and I no longer believe in Jesus. Let it me known that I am of the opinion that Jesus was a peace seeking man who gave love to all. He did not stop and question the self worth of one prior to giving of himself.

I have tried for years not to throw stones, but I do not live in a glass house of perfection and I must say I am strongly disappointed in the man I chose to bring a child into the world with when he thinks it’s okay to lie on his website and tell people he’s been in a certain business for 20 years when in fact that is a flat out lie.

I hope to one day relieve myself of the burden of what may or may not happen to my son due to his father’s path…..and carry myself in my own skin on a path I can truly believe in and feel one with. He scoffs at my wish to study Buddhism. Yet calls himself a Christian. I cannot place my name under a label that promotes distaste for others, judge’s homosexuality, etc. I believe that there are good people and bad people and some good follow bad faiths and some bad people follow good faiths. I would wish for nothing more than true understanding and acceptance from him for if he could do that he would truly be what he labels himself as.

I struggle. I will always struggle. But a peaceful struggle would be more welcomed to me than a struggle with things better left alone. I just don’t want to struggle without faith anymore. Peace is the only faith I desire for constant wanting is never without pain.
I truly believe that most people who jump to conclusions are not educated and do not seek information. This does not mean the world should all agree equally, but rather instead of judgement become enlightened and knowledgeable. We each have the right to be what we wish for ourselves. I will never call myself something I do not live up to. I will always be a seeking individual. Perhaps I have or have not found my answer…for now it feels right.

Founded by Gautama the Buddha, Buddhism is known for its Middle Path that which neither promotes extreme asceticism nor absolute hedonism yet still leads to nirvana.
The Buddha promoted the eightfold path, that of right understanding, right thinking, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration. Though the Middle Path or Buddhism discouraged the concept of an external God waiting to mete out reward or punishment, it firmly believed in the cycles of reincarnation completing which a seeker could attain nirvana, the ultimate enlightenment.

Buddhism is not centered on a god, rather, it is a system of philosophy and a code of morality. Moreover, the achievement of enlightenment is the goal of every being, so eventually, we will all reach Buddhahood.

10:19 p.m. ::
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