PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

christmas eve '04

Friday, Dec. 24, 2004
So my friend Tod takes over his brother Lee’s blog and posts a repeat of the things people never got for Christmas…..and so again…my Barbie “head” doll complaint (scroll over the prev paragraph for the links)

This reminds me of all the things I didn’t get as a child that I most wanted. On that list….a sense of belonging, a notion of being loved, a knowing that you are a part of something bigger than just yourself.

Last night Rick and I went Christmas shopping and we (well HE until I pay my half next week or so) bought everyone something. Everyone being his twin brother R., his sister R., his nephews, Sean, Devin and Dylan, and in the process of this Christmas shopping I finally got the Christmas spirit. Yes…finally. These moments with him when he shares his family fulfill something within me that I longed for as a child. Family…ahh the sacredness of belonging. When he picked out a gift for my son, I debated on the cost and losability of the item as it was expensive, he decided it was a done deal and in that moment I realized it’s no longer just “my” son but rather my son is someone that he and I now share. He is someone that my fiancé has grown to love and care about. It nearly brought tears to my eyes as we stood in Brookstone debating the purchase. Ahhh, not only am “I” a part of something but my son is included. We’re included in someone else’s family world. Damn tears are rolling down my face as I type this entry…..

Last week information trickled down from his sister in Illinois that a gift might be pursued by her for moi’. Ahh it could have been an empty box, because all my heart felt was “belong”….after two years with him I “belong” in his family. This feeling, how could anything else compare? It wasn’t the Barbie head doll, the slimline stereo system, the countless designer pants…no it wasn’t those things that I often went without because my mother didn’t care to make me as a child thrilled that Santa finally did right by me. It was the lack of that sense of something bigger, that belonging to something team like called family. Christmas at my house as a child included tons of “don’t touch those candles, you’ll leave fingerprints on the glass!!” commands from my mother who was anally over annoyed at anything or anyone less than perfect. The constant, “you wouldn’t be so “chubby” if you didn’t eat another cookie” comments when the silver platter’s of Christmas goodies were passed around. My personal favorite, if there could be a favorite on the memory list, was the year my first boyfriend Steve bought me at least a dozen nice gifts, and she so fueled by her constant inner anger merely stated, “yah well he didn’t buy you an engagement ring and take you away now did he?” comment almost, (….yes almost because by then I was fueled by my own, “I will not LET you destroy my Christmas” strength…) brought me tears.

Yes…I feel lucky this year, I’m sharing my holidays with family. :-) My gift from the man this year? This…
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us because it matches these from our first ever Valentines Day….the earrings I rarely take off… Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Now I really must stop babbling and go wrap up the presents. I can’t wait to see my son tonight…..can’t wait…

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

-PoeticaL
11:50 a.m. ::
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