yadda yadda...blah blah and blah
Thursday, May. 08, 2003
I want to emphatically state that Rick understands it all far more than I ever gave him credit for and he is doing everything he can to also research, support me, and help me. He's simply great about this stuff.This line from the previous entry stands out for me.
2. Those with prior vulnerability factors such as genetics, early age of onset and longer-lasting childhood trauma, lack of functional social support, and concurrent stressful life events
If I were to just simply list things....this line states "early stage of onset and longer-lasting childhood trauma." I would have to state that my childhood was dysfunctional. My father was an alcoholic, my mother's family has a long history of depression. My maternal grandmother was hopitalized for depression and my maternal Aunt has been diagnosed with Manic Depression which was brought on by her giving birth. She is currently on Lithium. I never gave much thought to these things, family history...its there. I suppose genetics is genetics. I would say that my childhood was fraught with a complete lack of social support, I was grounded most of the time for little to no reason except that my mother was ill-equipped to deal with the situations she found herself in and I spent a great deal of time alone in my bedroom entertaining myself by reading and listening to music. I missed a huge section of my teenage years this way. I had one boyfriend from tenth grade on and then got married to the next man I met. I didn't have a lot of teenage year normal experiences and had no parental support or encouragement or help. I was simply told, "when I was your age I had kids and a mortgage."
The line goes on to say "concurrent stressful life events" The last 3 years have included...
1. my child unexplainable dissapearing with his father halfway across the country
2. two major marital affairs conducted by ex
3. foreclosure on my home
4. bankruptcy that was also later defaulted on leading to the foreclosure
5. loss of job
6. father died
7. ex came down with unexplained aids related illness (while having affairs...can you say stress?)
8. finding my belongings in pawn shops left and right
9. two days after Christmas ex splits leaving a vague note and a crying child
10. I lost my dog Nikki that I had for 12 years, my other dog Webster for 3..also gone.
This period of time also included, constant disconnections of electricity, water (basic needs)etc. A general constant feeling of unstability and fear of what else was to come.
Basically a lot of life altering events took place in a very short period of time. I have had everything thrown at me. I made mistakes along the way. I looked towards the wrong people over and over for support, the support I was lacking. I was in denial a great deal of the time, almost in a false effort to sheild myself from the pain, to realize how bad things were would be to accept how bad they were and that would have been allowing myself to feel everything as sharply as it happened. I made tons of mistakes.
Perhaps that is why I now realize that there are a great deal of hurting people out there, people that are dealing with far more than even I think I am. But we're all self absorbed to a certain extent, and this diary was my escape, my one place to get it out. I came here and ranted and cryed and did whatever I could to cope and learn and deal with what was going on around me. Sure I've said lots of messed up things in the period of time I was writing this. I believe that with time I will overcome all of this. But I also consider the amount of time that I was in such distress about everything in my life. It takes time to regain personal strength and heal.
Today I came home and got paperwork from ex's attorney asking me to sign a very vague set of divorce agreements that do not address anything worthwhile. I'm not signing. They are a lame attempt for him to avoid the real issues that need to be resolved. I was upset, angry and I spoke to him briefly and angrily over the phone. Afterwards I felt this pacing feeling, like I didn't know what to do with myself. I started to pace and then instead of doing irrational things like normal I quietly went and found Rick and said nothing. I just sat down next to him and he reached for me and he held me. And I think this is all anyone can do for me. Nothing needs to be said. Nothing needs to be done. I just need time to heal. I cannot tell you how quickly I calmed down and remembered that my life is going on and it's a happy move forward and that I'll be ok again someday. I tend to think about those people that are going through similiar things, worse things than I even these days and wonder how they make it through. People have told me I'm strong, in fact my own boss told me that the other day. I told him I was getting another job, paying off bills, making plans for the future. He said, "you're a strong person Kristy, I normally wouldn't be happy about someone taking on another job but I know you can handle it." Its nice to be told, but I have learned from Rick that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is what I think. I think that right now I'm sick. I need to get well. With time, with Rick's support, with plans for a brighter future and better life in the works, I will get well. I have a great kid, an awesome boyfriend, I will truly be stronger, better....
