cluttering the net since 2001


Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004

Ok I’m going to rant and rave like a lunatic now….It’s 2 a.m. and I’ve gotta get it off my chest.


So this girl I don’t know has a husband who cheated on her.  More than once.  Then he loses his job, can’t find another one and so they move to a new state.  She installs spyware on his computer because she feels this will pad her fears and help her cope.  He says he’ll NEVER do it again.  Things seem better because the surroundings are new.  Then the same stuff happens again.  The husband wanting sex, she doesn’t want to give it.  Bad back….and other various excuses.  Including cat poop issues.  Whatever!!  He’s a cheat.  Once a cheat always a cheat. 


Secondly I don’t talk about b.f. here…mostly as his request, mostly because it would make my life literally miserable because he can’t stand to be talked about online.  So I simply don’t very much at all.  If you haven’t noticed my diary’s changed.  Thirdly, because I don’t do this there are only a few select people that truly have a clue about my life.  Those in it….or those select few I share it with that is.


Lastly, I’m not married.  When I was married I didn’t cheat….I didn’t cheat on him until he took my son and left the state to go bang some other woman.  Then it was no holds barred and I did whatever I had to do to endure the heartbreak I felt over the marriage he bailed on.  I met whoever I wanted and saw whoever I wanted.  I justified it and said it was ok because afterall he did it first.  In retrospect I realize this was wrong.  I should have waited until I was divorced. It’s easier to write a new story when you have a blank page to work with.   Although I met current b.f. after ex moved out and was gone for over two weeks.  I didn’t know him prior to that event.


My b.f. and I are doing ok.  We’re still together and our lives are our own.  I am respecting his wishes and so I won’t say anything more.


Lastly….I’ve been confused a lot this past year.  I’ve been scared to comit to someone new.  I’m terrified in fact.  Not so much anymore.  We are engaged and aren’t in any hurry to walk down the isle.  We’re happy with things.  We’re working things out.  We’re learning about each other and trying to mesh my past with my present and become something new.  It’s not easy.  It’s not easy at all.  I’ve resisted letting him really in because like I said, I was crushed and hurt immensely by what my ex-husband did to me.


However, I was never so in la la land about his infidelity as this girl is about her husbands.  Her husband meets some girl through work and boinks her while his wife’s in another state taking care of the children and laying brick in the driveway.  She’s not over it.  She doesn’t want to be intimate with him.  All things I understand.


Why do people write a diary if they don’t want real feedback?  I mean write the damn shit and delete your guestbook if you don’t want reality.  Yah Lisa I deleted you because you deleted me and we can play this stupid diaryland shit all week if you want to.  However, I’m not up for it. 


Leave your husband or forgive him but either way face reality.  He cheated and most men cheat for good reason. I can admit that my ex cheated because I was no longer interested in worshiping him when I couldn’t accept his faults and bad ways.  I couldn’t pretend he wasn’t what he was.  However, he’s an o.k. person.  I must have thought so at one time, I married him.  I wish him well. Sure I hate him sometimes when he does those same stupid things that drove me nuts in the marriage.  But once he started cheating it never stopped. 


I can’t speak for a man I’ve never met, however I can tell you…if you don’t give him what he wants he will find it elsewhere.  Guaranteed.


One other thing, you mentioned my friend Bryan. Bryan and I have been friends for 6 years.  I’m not about to give up that friendship.  It’s something I stated from day one in my current relationship.  b.f. is getting used to it.  He’s not so hyper when I speak to Bryan and he now understands I need that friendship where I can talk about books and all the boring stuff b.f. doesn’t want to talk to me about.  Bryan lives elsewhere and while I will always love him for being who he is and what he is in my life, he lives far away and I’m not about to ever leave my child in Florida and move away…just every now and then when b.f. and I have a bad day or things feel shitty I wonder…  It’s human to wonder.  b.f. even tells me “you two get along so well..maybe you’re supposed to be with him.” 

Life is tough…relationships are tougher.  Maybe you think what I thought that that marriage license made you exempt from shit ripping through your marriage leaving carnage.  I don’t know…I don’t know you…


Another thing….I can guarantee you if b.f. touches me and wants to make love to me, I’m there.  I’m so there….  It’s called open hearts, open communication and trust.  It’s hard work.  If you think you carry none of the blame for your man’s infidelity then you’re seriously in denial.  A good relationship takes two.  My marriage didn’t end because he cheated..it ended because the communication wasn’t there.  It ended because we never had a good foundation of friendship to build upon.  It ended because he never read my poetry and I never wanted to do the things he wanted to do.  We grew apart looking and seeking something to fill the voids we created for each other.  You talk about how he’s “doing good” as though he’s under your watchful eye and must perform.  He’s a human being not your lackey. 


Someday you’re going to be sitting somewhere looking at divorce papers remembering what I said, but right now you can’t digest it because you’re still pointing the finger at him…  Why did he cheat on you?  Maybe you did something wrong too….forgive him, forgive yourself, fix the things that led up to his needing something elsewhere….and for god’s sake quit whining about it.  That won’t change a damned thing.


Ahh…hate me if you want….I don’t care. I had to write it.

One other thing I want to say here to b.f. thanks for growing and giving me space to be myself and have my friendships and have us as well. I love you, I trust you and we'll be o.k. because neither of us know's how to bail. We just keep on keeping on and I love you for that. I love you for everytime you've held me while I cried and even for everytime you called me out on being bitchy to you on one of my depressive bad days... We have much ahead of us honey. I'll never be perfect, I'll probably never be bitchfree but I'm lucky right now..because you were there and are there and will be there tomorrow. 

1:33 a.m. ::
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