cluttering the net since 2001

you don't even know

Wednesday, Sept. 04, 2002
Ok so tonight was like every other night. But it wasn’t. I left work like every other night and then I managed to get MP on the phone and we got to really talk. This isn’t always the easiest thing to do considering everything. So when we do get to, its just A-OK. Alright so when’s the last time I even thought to say “A-OK” Just now…duh…follow along kiddies.

I bought a book tonight that I’ve been looking for for quite awhile. I found it and someone in the past spilled coffee on said book. I asked Barnes and Noble if they’d discount said book because of this damage. (minor brown stains on the outside of the pages only, not even a centimeter deep into the book) and she cheerfully came back and said, “The manger says to give it to you for 50% off. That made it $6! Yeeeehaaaawww! What book was it? “Exposure – Kathryn Harrison” I read “The Kiss” by her a few months ago. It was a brilliant, haunting and beautiful memoir. It’s still in my head swimming around.

So while at Barnes and Noble, while chatting on the cell, while irritating other “quiet” book browsers, while finding a book I’ve been looking for high and low in my hand, while waiting for a white chocolate mocha to arrive….MP said the most amazing thing to me. And now…fuck if I can remember how it all went….

But it went something like this…. “I felt like I had left the house and got on the bus and forgot something…not talking to you in so long…was like that feeling that you left the house without something.”

Ok so….fuck I can’t remember it exactly, but I remember what it meant. And it meant something very kewl. I have so few friends…true and real and good friends. And so when I have one, I am ever grateful. I know I gush on and on about these things, but I have gone a large and vast majority of my life without these things. I mean, we moved like 19 or 20 times in the last 10 years. It isn’t very conducive of friendship. Just since MP and I have been friends, I have moved 3 times, had 3 different jobs and seen a lifetime of hellish things. But he’s still my friend. I’ll never figure out how I got so lucky. I just wondered onto a poetry forum one day and posted some really trite rhyming disastrous poetry and he said “good morning”.

Where is that line in an interaction with a person…that line when you know you’re crossing over and it will be something important in your life. I have tried very hard to be a good friend to MP. I know things about MP that he’s never told me, I feel things about his soul that he’s never expressed. It’s in the unspoken words. It’s in all the ways he just say’s “I know”. So many people have come and gone in my life in the last 2 years alone. If I made a list I’d have to single space it to fit it on one page. All the names, faces, fleeting moments. A jumbled up mess.

But today for just a few minutes, those few where you MP were talking to ME Kristy..just you just me just being ….everything in the world just felt right. Those moments don’t happen all too often in my world, those moments when life feels amazingly beautiful and full of clarity and hope for a bright future. I was leaning up against the shelf with my head facing down towards my bare toes, noticing the chip in my toenail polish, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, listening to all the reasons why we are friends.

Sometimes when there is silence on the phone…that is just me over here trying not to let you know over there that sometimes I am crying because I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known and I know that you don’t even know.



sometimes you don’t even know
or hear the way
that the ebb of my
rivers flow
i wipe the tears
and nod my head
at no one
you hear a break

a pause

a moment pleased

silenced i am instead

you don’t know because
the words
them selves become too deaf
too deaf for even me

i'm sad
for you can’t visualize
the way you wave
the cause you make
to move
my sea
to slip from under me

thank you for feeling you've left forgetting something..from somewhere...over me..
11:54 p.m. ::
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