cluttering the net since 2001

i remember you with maximum capacity

Friday, Mar. 25, 2005
Today I’m feeling a bit tired, overwrought and even a little de-stressed. It’s been a rough long week at work and I was draggin’ my ass into the front door last night.

This morning I’ve been wiping my eyes like a fiend. Too many sleepies and just feeling like crap. I’ve had allergies plaguing me all week as well. The only thing that has worked is Alavert, but I’m still feeling blah despite it’s good effects.

This morning I checked my email and saw my notes. Within them was this one…

from digitalicat : Hey... I remember you. It's been a while. I Googled myself tonight. Through Google's cache, I found that old Maximum Capacity thing. I was tickled. I've never forgotten you, but I did forget how to find you. :)

Digitalicat? It took me only a second to realize who this was. And in the five seconds that followed my entire soul filled up with bliss. Not the sort of bliss that is “OMG there’s my long lost million dollar heir!” More of a “god it feels good to know this person still exists in this sometimes dark and ugly world.”

I still hold strong to the idea that once you truly connect and know a person it never dissipates. The odd part is during my most previous move I came across a certain movie soundtrack of a certain person’s life and I put it in my CD player one day while sitting alone and I remembered phrases like it was a Sunday night….

It amazes me that if you ever feel for a person those feelings may lie dormant, you may think you have beat them down and now they’re surely dead. But I have come to accept that there are things we cannot control and we cannot fool our deepest selves.

Another proof…..yesterday I heard the song, “More than words.” By Extreme. This song was playing the night I broke up with my first boyfriend Steve. Steve and I dated for 6 years. From the time I was 15 until I was 20. The song was so fitting of the moment, but I didn’t think that at the time. It was just the song that was on. It wasn’t our song. Our song was “Heaven in your eyes” by Loverboy. (gag….eh?) Either way I heard “more than words” the other day in my car on the way to work and I almost froze in place as my entire body, heart and soul transformed back to that night with my head against his new leather jacket, remembering my tears rolling down his sleeve knowing it was the last time I’d ever be next to him, the last time I’d ever speak to him, the last time I’d ever be so near to him. I loved him with all that I was, but his family thought I was looking for a meal ticket and he didn’t defend me from those statements and it angered me in ways that I still can’t ever explain. I just couldn’t spend my life with someone that didn’t know I was doing so purely for love. It bothered me. As a side note…this is the same reason that I get so angry if Rick now tells me anything money related…..like I like having him as roommie so we can share the bills….grrrrrrrr that pisses me off…and it’s not about him…it’s about Steve.

In other words, when you open your heart to people and let them in, regardless of what they do after that point, you are forever moved by them in some way or another. Be it good or bad. They change you somehow…somewhere.

Digitalicat…..ie: Joe….Joe was one of those people I let in and I did so when I was busy pushing everyone else out. When I first heard of that band, “A month of Sundays” I wondered to myself if the amount of Sunday nights I spent chatting to Joe equaled a month. I decided that there was really no real way for me to know but it was possible because that would equal thirty one weeks and though I don’t have a time frame or solid dates, it also has never mattered to me. I just assumed it was at least a month's worth of Sundays I enjoyed.

I don’t walk around thinking about Joe….I don’t wonder anymore. But I can’t hear certain Dave Matthews song’s off of a certain bootleg cd without remembering something Joe’like. It is then I always wonder what ever became of…..

So….those 38 little words I got today….and mostly these 4 “hey I remember you”. They made me grin on the inside in the biggest of ways.

I remember you too Joe….I remember you too.

The entry he found….(which oddly comes up as an error when clicked in my archives…what’s wrong with my code…grr…)

As a side note….the 4 things I could not live without in 2002 (God, Bernie, Joe and a Vibrator…) are now gone. I now would say, (Myself – because I now value self and know I’m an amazing person, My son, My fiancé and my dog Chloe…)

Life changes us….life keeps changing….but there’s some things that remain. I want to reach out and I have dozens of questions….I keep trying to remember that town I was going to move to….it was something like “nowhere, usa” or “somewhere, usa” or some such silly thing….fuck I still can’t rememeber…

Joe changed me. The entry he found….

Tuesday, Apr. 23, 2002: what once was gone is now found again 9:09 p.m.

I had this friend Joe that I met on ICQ a long long time ago. He was awesome. Joe and I used to have a standing Sunday night 10 p.m. chat. I wrote this poem on May 20, 20001 which included Joe….

God Bernie Joe and a Vibrator (The only four things I need in life)

I sat to consider
And consider this
What in life do I
Need beyond
Beyond what is

The pursuit of
Is simple
Simply this
Nothing more
Something less

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the bible
Yeah well…
The rest you know.

That counts one
One’s been counted
And I’ve won
I suppose
Everyone knows
The power
of God’s son

He’s as sweet
As Bert and Ernie
But like them
I never meet
Him at all

Be fair to me
Big Bird
Could sit

But would he
Sit with me
If not Bernie
Bernie could not
Come to call

Sunday night
After prayer
I go nowhere
But everywhere
With context
Intense in text
With Joe
Theory this
And theory sat
Have you ever
Thought this
Or wondered that

Joes a mind full
Fuck full
Mind fuck fool
Of everything
Can I say fuck
And Jesus in
The same
Poem thing?
Joe’s theory says
I can do
Just about

My power tool
My task
Is his job?
That’s my
One vice
Something Naughty
is something
Bought not borrowed
It’s perfectly nice

These 4 people
They form my
Church’s steeple
The things I need
To breath in life
Live through bad
And surpass all strive

Then something happened unbeknownst to me and Joe disappeared. I sent him one or two emails wondering and questioning and a few pm’s looking…and then I just accepted that he was gone. Gone for no reason. It bothered me but I accepted because Joe taught me about Maximum Capacity. He wrote this piece about his theory Maximum Capacity… This one piece has kept me sane through so much….through things he hasn’t even been present for….

Maximum Capacity

It is the natural order of things that a container can contain only so much. When it's full, you can fit no more. A one-gallon jug holds one gallon, and no matter what you do you can't fit two gallons into a one-gallon jug.

Ever been in a busy elevator? When the elevator stops there's always some idiot trying to rush into the elevator without letting people out of the elevator first.

Everything has a maximum capacity. Hearts and minds are the same way.

It's a scientific fact that if I read you a list of 20 nouns, you will only be able to remember 7 of them at once. If you remember an 8th that means you'll have forgotten one of the others.

When you're in love with someone, that person becomes like the sun. When you look at the sun, its brilliance blinds you to everything else. It's only when you stop looking at the sun that everything else comes back into focus.

For whatever reason, for better or worse, it doesn't look like he is going to pan out. Strange though it may seem, that's a good thing. As your love and your sorrow fade away, it's like emptying. As bad as that feeling is, that's a good thing too. It's only once you've emptied that you can start to fill again.

Just like the sun, once you turn your head, everything else comes back into focus. You'll again see things you'd forgotten, and maybe see a few new things you never noticed.

If this love isn't going to work out, then it's good that things are ending. If he is not the one, then they deserve no space in your heart or mind. Clearing it away makes space for someone who does deserve it.

I missed Joe so many times and always most on Sunday nights….. Then today….after last nights fiasco and all day wondering what’s the point of getting close to people that drift away…I get this email….

>From: "Digitalicat ." DIGITAL&*@(*!@(*!.COM
>To: kristy@(*&@(*@l.com
>Subject: Apologies for my long absence
>Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 13:38:30 –0700
>I'll keep this message short. I'm sure there have been things
>happening in your life, and I don't want to type for ages only to
>have my message bounced.
>Are you still there?

I thought about writing “nope…I’m dead” out of pure frustration. I didn’t. Then I thought I’ll write nothing and do what he did. Then I did what I always do….because I can’t hide my true want for connection.

I replied as follows….

*kristy glances at her email nonchalantly*

"WOAH! Is that really JOE??????"

*kristy sits back down in her chair....pushes her hair behind her ear for the thousandth time in the last hour and stares off into space*

*straightens her skirt and trys to look as though she doesn't care*

*walks away from her pc....*


*sits down...and replies....

Wait....that would be redundant...I already did that....


Teeheee….I hope he smiles and I hope like hell he replies….

Maybe I’m luckier than I ever think I am…..I am always blessed by meeting and getting to know the most amazing people. I wonder if those people ever feel that way about having met me. I never think I am worth anyone meeting but then why do I find such amazing people somehow?

I have this one line on my website that I feel always floating in my veins. I wonder about it constantly….

I want to have meant enough that some part of who I was will always be some small part of who you have yet to be.
2:17 p.m. ::
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