cluttering the net since 2001

you rock my world honey

Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005
Dear Rick,

I tried to say this to you today, but the words just wouldn’t come out the way I felt they should, so I will try again here so that you can have them in your virtual back pocket if you ever find that you’re not quite sure.

This past week I have been grouchy, achy, tired, stressed out, in denial, afraid to face my own fears about the unknown, I was feeling ill and painful and scared because of what has been happening to me. Last night when you did not come home at a normal time, I panicked. Not because I worried about where you were, or whom you might be with or even that I had to wonder about those things anymore. You are my beautiful future, not my disappointing past. I am learning to separate the two and I know you have had to be very patient with me as I learn how to feel comfortable with my newfound life.

Last night, I worried about you, you’re well being, you’re being tired, etc. I worried and had to know that you were ok. So for the first time since I have known you I called your boss to inquire of your safety. I explained to your boss that I was not tracking you down but more so I was worried about you. It was storming out badly and the power had gone out and things were not in any normal state. He said that he would try to page the truck and get back to me. He told me “Richard’s a great guy, we love him here.” To which I said, ‘I know, he is great.” Your boss went on to praise you and say kind things about you to me and told me not to worry that I had called with concern. He stated he would call me back and let me know. Which he did. When he called back and said that he had spoken to you and told me where the truck was, I was relieved in a way that I cannot even express. I cannot express to you how relieved I was to know that you were ok. I was still concerned and if I hadn’t felt so ill I would have tried harder to stay awake.

And then today….the other incident….I felt so protective of you. I don’t like to see anyone mess with you or cause you discomfort or worry. I have never wanted to protect any other human being outside of my own son, until you. In those moments, and when I was asked, “Are you his wife?” I wanted so badly to defiantly say, “Yes yes he is MY husband and I am his wife!!” I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything before. I have learned over time that I don’t want to own you or hold you back in life, I want only to be one with you against the world, safe, together.

Today when I called off to go to the doctor, I was scared. I went to get my abdomen photographed via sonogram so they could check for things. Scary things. Things that make me nervous and things that make the mind travel wildly. There was a panel on the drop ceiling. The panel was of pink flowers. The tech told me that it was there so that people could concentrate on something pretty and not get overwhelmed with worry.

As the tech stated, “Deep breath and hold it…one…two…three….four…five…ok you can breath.” Over and over in a calming sequence I closed my eyes and moved and responded to her directive and my only thoughts were that no matter what I will be ok because I have your heart in my soul to warm me whenever my fear’s feel so cold. I thought about how you are the first person I run to, the only person that accepts me with my faults and all. I thought about how when I have faltered and stumbled in the last few years you have been there to catch me, give me strength and shower me with your love.

When you hug me the way you did today….I know that finally I am blessed. I know that I will be okay no matter what happens, and right now I’m so happy to have that. When I asked you for cash and you brought me more than I asked and I looked at you confused …when you said, “I figured you might want to go get some coffee, maybe buy a book…” I wanted to grab you and cry and yet I still hold parts of my emotions back because of habit perhaps, maybe because I don’t always know how to open myself up to you and come straight to you without feeling fearful that I will be rejected, not by you…but because of the fact that so many in my lifetime have not loved me entirely and completely…..the way that you do. When I got in my car and drove away, I wiped tears of joy…wondering how I got so lucky to have found you when and how I did….god gave you to me, and though I struggle with the bible and jesus freaks and the like because of my past, today I truly believed that there is something bigger than I to have known how much I needed to find you.

I wanted to just somehow tell you that it’s a wonderful thing to be proud of the man you love. It’s a wonderful thing to have other’s recognize the good that lays within the one you love. It’s a beautiful thing that I can defend you and believe in you and never second guess the fact that no matter what you are truly a good person inside and out. It’s even more of a wonderful thing to truly know that whatever may come your way you are not alone.

I love you and I am very thankful you are in my life…in my heart…you are a gift. I write this here, so publicly, because sometimes I say things here that bother you, that hurt you, that confuse you….that cause you undue harm. Sometimes my friendships cause you to wonder or worry perhaps, and you have nothing to worry about.

I want my readers to know that though we have been though so very much together in a relatively short time, we have made those mistakes together and learned together how to be more of what we both need from each other. We have traveled the path together and we are so much better because of it.

I cannot wait to say, “Yes….yes I am his wife!” I simply cannot wait. I love you Rick…with all that I am and all that I will ever hope to be.


P.S. Thank you for the new book I bought myself that you will have to move and remove and move again someday in your future, for this you rock!
8:06 p.m. ::
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