1 a.m. is not my friend
Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004
In the morning I am breakfast happy even though I never eat. I am a brand new person and I am full of joy and goodness about what my day is about to bring. At 11 a.m. when I depart my first job I am all sunshine and smiles and the breeze in my hair as I drive to grab some coffee is always a pleasant awakening to the day. It is in this half hour between jobs that I am gloriously happy. I arrive at this job and do the gist of my job duties within the first 2 hours I�m here and then�.then the hours drag by�and I have nothing but time to think�.by the time 1 a.m. arrives I�m miserable. I�ve mentally convinced myself that my life sucks, that I miss him more than I can withstand. I feel bad about not being with my son fulltime, I beat myself up and back and left and right about all the things I�ve messed up in my life and so at 1 a.m. I can�t sleep I can�t eat, I can�t think I can�t move. I can�t do much of much but hate myself.
I should write in my diary every morning. You�d think someone else stole the rights to it from me.
Stay tuned for tonight�s 1 a.m. suicidal entry whereby I want to die�it�s up and coming and�.will be fresh from the mental case oven.
-PoeticaL
