PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I am happy

Monday, Nov. 21, 2005
It�s 1 a.m. and I�ve had a busy weekend of final planning and doing for the wedding. I�ve managed to write a paper for college, spend time with my soon to be teenage son, complete a ton of chores, take pictures, read books, prepare for my first book club meeting and I stopped in the last hour to ponder all that has happened in the last few years�and I have to say�



I�m happy. There are things I have yet to do in life, goals that I�ll continue to work on, but last night Rick and I went out and visited with both of his brothers and some new people we had not met before. I found myself going into the kitchen to make a plate of food for him and the moment was perfectly right. He makes me happy�knowing I can look over at him and he�s all that love means to me is a pleasant and never ending emotion. I have all that I need, all that I�ve wanted for so very long. I could write a long list of things that would be nice�.



But for the first time all that I have is all that I need and there are no gaping holes in my soul�..I feel so complete and it all feels so tangible and real and good.



I can gaze at him sleeping and feel blessed�.I can gaze longer and have no trepidation or fear and more so I can look straight at him, straight through him and see only love. I can evaluate my whole life and feel right with it...despite and because of all that it has become.



So much has changed�.so much of who I am is all rearranged, so much felt fragmented�the old life�the new life�..they seemed to end and begin abruptly and now there is no line�no division�just melding and mending and so much that once hurt me and bothered me is simply gone. Gone� There is really no true pain within like there once was so much of.



Earlier today we went to check out the tuxedo�s and I nearly cried when he tried on his tux�.I had this urge to tell him�.tell him everything I felt�.and yet it was like riding a carousel�so beautiful and so perfect and so hard to ever put into words that would make any sense. I just wanted to hug him and thank him�..for giving me back that girl that looked at stars and believed in fairy tales and forever after��for letting me be who I�ve always wanted to be�myself. I am in love with someone I love being friends with.
1:02 a.m. ::
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