cluttering the net since 2001

I still believe

Monday, Feb. 18, 2002

“Keep believing dreams do come true!!!” Madprophet wrote this in my guest book. And it made me start to think about it….

I’ve always believed in dreams. Has it gotten me very far? I had this dream when I was 20 that life would be so much better away from my parents. Right after I got married we packed up my car with everything we could fit and headed for Dallas with about $2,500 we got from our pathetic “potato salad” wedding reception at the Moose lodge. Anyways…I remember I had a dream back then. I had a dream that he and I would move away from everything and have a brand new life. It was….well it was exciting at first. Bucking the system.

I remember running around an apartment naked in the middle of the afternoon like a wild child just let loose. I remember jumping in the shower one day and running back out to turn on the exhaust fan so that my father wouldn’t bitch…and then I remembered…I was away from that shit and I took a long hot shower with no exhaust fan and laughed the entire time. Something so simple was so amazing back then.

I had a dream back then that he and I would be different than my parents. We would be happy and we would stay that way. We would love for a lifetime, have beautiful children and laugh at everyone who said it would never last. *sigh* It was a nice dream I suppose. A dream I should have believed in? hmmm I don’t know.

Now…a new dream….mostly like the old one. Leave everything behind. All the things that I have learned to hate. All the lies husband gave me like pretty boxes tied in silk ribbons. And now all of the pain blown like helium into balloons tied in bunches pulling me away from a once upon a time dream.

I gravitate towards happiness…towards my best friend. I gravitate towards the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I gravitate and yet I hesitate. I believed in dreams before. Dreams that turned into nightmares. Wouldn’t it be better to just accept the nightmare and embrace it, and learn to love it? Do dreams still exist?

Is love true? Is love something that will last a lifetime? Or would I end up right back where I am right now wondering how I became so much a part of the dream that I morphed into this same hell again?

Love? Is love a dream? When I think of “him” it doesn’t feel like an elaborate dream. He is my best friend. He is the one person I can be “me” around. He is everything good in my mind. He and I have had to learn communication, trust, and friendship… We’ve mastered it. It’s all we have. It’s the bond that ties us together. He is someone that makes me wonder how I got so lucky to just have had him touch my life. He’s changed me. He’s made me believe in all of the things that nightmares have tried to wrestle away from me. He’s the one person that I know won’t ever steer me wrong. Won’t ever say a self-serving thing to me. He’s perfection imperfected into a beautiful picture so unique I find myself in awe. Love is a dream….isn’t it? It somehow makes you close your eyes to everything wicked and evil and makes you open your soul to everything beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I would wake up and still see in the light of day the beautiful things I see when my eyes are closed.

Friday night….listening to his voice…it was such a magical moment that tears started to roll down my face. Sometimes I am so thankful that he can’t see me. He’d think I had lost my mind. I just…I knew that he wanted to talk to me. Me…. He didn’t want to tell anyone else. I know those feelings. Having something painted on my lips for what feels like forever. Something that only he could ever make me speak about. Somehow when you finally get to express yourself to that one person that makes you feel so close to the who of who you are, you are so blissful just to speak in the knowing you are heard. I could hear those emotions in his voice as he spoke to me.

His ex-girlfriend invited him to a birthday party. He went. He’s still friends with her. Anyways..he told me that she now shows interest in everything he’s doing but he knows its too late. That it’s not real. That its her being interested because he’s being successful at it all now. She wasn’t interested in helping him or supporting him in order for him to get there….just now that he’s there…she’s interested. Why didn’t she believe in his dreams when it would have changed the course of her world? He knows that I’ve never said “uh uh” to him as he spoke about his dreams. I never changed the subject on him… She didn’t believe in his dreams. I’ve always believed in him. I’ve always wanted him to just be happy even if it wasn’t about me. 3 years ago I never intended to fall for him. I was just being his friend. He’s taught me that the best relationships….the dreams that maybe can come true are the ones that start with being friends.

So….I suppose in the end….I will always believe in dreams. I will always believe that they can and do come true. This is just a dream that I can’t let go of. A dream that may never come true. But never a dream I’m sorry I’ve had.

Thanks Mad…for encouraging me to believe in my dreams. For knowing that I am a dreamer at heart. That I do believe that life is good. Even as I’m strangled under boiling water that was once a dream…. I still believe.


Each day of my life
I'm filled with all the joy I could find
You know that I
I'm not the desperate type
If there's one spark of hope
Left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands
It's worth the risk of burning
To have a second chance

I still believe
Someday you and me
-Mariah Carey
9:23 a.m. ::
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