"It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely"
Sunday, Feb. 09, 2003
When he's here, I sleep. I am still and silent and alive. I am a smile curving around myself. I am me. When he is here, I am myself. When he is gone, I am adrift, I am agitated, I am pacing, I am thinking too hard too long about things I need to let go of once and for all. In his arms, I don't think about anything, I am content, I am at peace.
When he is gone, I smell his clothes. I curl up in a ball in the bed trying to feel warm without him. When he is gone, I talk to myself too much. When he is away, I smile and say his name out loud just to hear it. Just to touch it on the air in front of me. Just to remember that he is coming back again. "Rick" "Rick" whispered into the night. When he is absent I am ungrounded, I am flailing. I am searching through my memories to be sure he was not a dream. When he is there, anywhere but here, I am waiting...waiting for him to come back.
It's not that I need him. Or that I can't breath when he is gone. I can breath, I can still laugh, I can still feel everything. It is without color, without sharing, without musical background. It is almost...but not enough...when he is not here.
I will park my car, I will run across the parking lot...I will hug him tighter than last time. I will hold onto him longer, for every day without him reminds me how lucky I am to have him.
I am here...because I want to be right where I am. I am myself, because with him that is enough. I will be ok...because everything will find a way towards that direction, because he's coming back.
When I am alone, I remember how wonderful it is to be with him.
-PoeticaL
