cluttering the net since 2001


Saturday, Feb. 02, 2002
Tonight he and I were in a chat room and he was singing and blueyedblonde was in the room too. She was making cutsie comments but only when he was live in the room singing. And she doesn't know my new nick so she didn't know I was in there. It was odd. I was bothered. I wasn't jealous. I just felt somehow like we were at a party and he was talking to some other girl while I was present. He wasn't talking to her in the public room, but he did tell me upfront that they are on speaking terms and he does talk to her.

The other thing is I know she's not the smartest girl and he's told me repeatedly that he doesn't like her like that and that they are merely chat buddies. But still... And then it bothered me that her nick and my nick were back to back. She was on top of me. At one point I told him that I was tired of her sitting on my head. He just lol'd.

But for whatever reasons I decided not to really let him see how bothered I was. Its not cool to be bothered about something so frigging lame. So I was pretty low key trying to keep it all together.

Well...I did pretty good or so I thought. Then he just dissapeared. No goodnight. No nothing. I was kinda dumbfounded because he never does that.

Then my phone rang. It was him. I've noticed in the last few months that he never says hello to me like a normal person does. He just starts talking. Usually you say hello and a person says "hello" and then you begin talking.

Not with him. I say hello and he says "you know you don't have to worry about anything."

The ironic part is...sometimes there are things that you can know, but you just have to hear to believe.

I know that I love him. I know that there's not another person in this world thats read this diary that thinks that's such a great idea. But I do. Love is a strange thing.

He's got faults.

He's got issues.

He's done wrong things to me.


I have faults.

I've got issues.

I've done wrong things to him.

In the end what we do have is each other.

He comes to me and I am there for him.

I go to him and he is there for me.

He's had tons of stuff done to him that angers me. His past is not pretty either. I think he's overcome better than myself. I admire him for that. I see a strong willed guy who knows what he wants in his life and is chasing it all. He works extremely hard.

I just know that when I pick up that phone regardless of whether I am at work or at home....when its his voice.... I am happy inside and out.

Tonight we watched part of "Roadtrip" together on HBO. The part where the big fat waiter with sweat pants on shoves the guys french toast down his pants after he complains about it. We both were just barely laughing. And then there was silence. And then he said...."you know there was a pube on that".

Something about the way he said it. The fact that he and I are close enough that he could say that to me. He's not the kind of guy to let rip all his thoughts to just anyone.... I know I'm special in his life. I know it.

I know he's not perfect. I know he's frustrated. Imagine being completely interested in a girl that's a)married b)687.5 miles away c)someone you have to learn to trust again because she's lied to you in the past.

I sent him an email that he'll get in the morning. A beautiful card with a real picture of a tulip's insides.

It's always nice to be surprised by your voice on the other end of the phone. Its especially awesome when it's the last one I hear before I go to sleep.

Tulips are something he and I have talked about. He told me once that a tulip was a beautiful thing and how he saw it and then he and I wrote this poem about it together....

Total Devotion

Like a whisper
Never voiced aloud
This flowers walls
Stand tall
Embracing itís
Strength through
Storms it never falls

Itís petals are
securely protecting
secrets in the
shades of its
color within.

You are
a tulip
holding many
shades of

Think of me
as your secure
a friend
Iíll shield your
heart from

I will always
guard your
many shades

My petals
are your safety
like true

klw + blv
3:17 a.m. ::
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