this same damn issue....i wish it would abandon me
My b.f. is at a wedding in Illinois right now wearing a
tux, probably drink in hand, jacket dismissed on a folding chair covered in
white fanciness, forgetting everything.�
Of course I am merely guessing at this because I have no real idea
because he hasn�t bothered to call back last night or at all today.� This is seriously starting to piss me off
and make me think of doing things I shouldn�t do.
I�m sitting on our black leather couch Oprah magazine at
my side, our pet dog sleeping on the quilt bunched up on the floor feet up on
the coffee table television tuned in on Elimidate ignoring phone calls from
Cathy because I�m depressed and tired and unable to converse and entertain
anyone else.
I�m losing my mind without him here and it�s doubly
horrific because he hasn�t called.� I
read three chapters of The
Journey from Heartbreak to Connection: A Workshop in Abandoment Recovery by Susan
Anderson.��
After reading that much of that book I am thoroughly
convinced that my issue right now is not what he�s doing or not doing but
rather my abandonment issues are showing their ugly faces.� I could sit and give a list of thousands of
people I feel have done me wrong but it�s more my own issues and my choosing to
see things in that light.� I need to get
myself a copy of that book and forget about where b.f. is and what might be
going on because I do trust him and know he loves me and if he could he would
call me but he doesn�t have a cellphone there and so�.yah I guess even though I
watched Urban Cowboy last night and cried at all the sad parts (I never knew
there were sad parts in that hokey movie until 4 a.m. this morning) I can�t
worry about it all because it�ll be just fine next Wednesday.� Just fine.
-PoeticaL
The following was taken from a website I found and a
therapist/author I respect.� I think it
is key to who I am and where I currently am�. emotionally.� This is not due to my recent divorce half as
much as it is by my mothers initial abandonment at an earlier age.
Did your lover leave you?
Abandonment is a knife wound to the heart. It is highly vulnerable to infection
and can leave scarring.
Anyone suffering the loss of a
love is in a true emotional crisis. Abandonment has its own special kind of
grief, as painful as grief over death, and just as enduring. It grips your life
with powerful feelings. Left unresolved, this special grief can burrow deep
within where it undermines self esteem and interferes in future relationships. It
is only because people don't know how to handle the feelings that abandonment
can have such a lasting effect.
Abandonment
recovery guides you through the stages of this powerful psycho-biological
process and shows you techniques for managing its pain. Empowered with the
right tools, you can prevent self-injury, prevent damaging your self esteem. In
the end you'll turn this painful experience into an opportunity for positive
change.
Initially, being left,
rejected, bereft of love - - creates a deeply personal wound. It threatens our
sense of self worth and shatters our security. It consumes us in panic,
longing, isolation, self-recrimination, and despair.
The severing of our love-relationship creates a heart-wound. Your body reacts as if your very life were being threatened, as if you had been actually stabbed in the heart. The threat of losing your primary attachment propels you into a state of neuro-biological emergency. Your heart pounds. Your stomach turns. You lose your appetite one minute and become ravenous the next. You oversleep or can't sleep. You're on edge, hyper-vigilant, and plagued with obsessive thoughts (about your lost love) and can't concentrate on anything else. You feel mortally wounded, that your life is over, that you'll never love again. These catastrophic thoughts, along with your urgent feelings of morbidity and doom, are evidence of surges of stress hormones coursing through your body and brain. You are in a state of constant of vulnerability.
As helpless and defeated as you
may feel right now, this does not mean that your situation is hopeless, that
you are weak or dependent, or that you will never love again. Feelings of
hopelessness, panic, and desperation are normal to the first stage of the
abandonment cycle. The five stages - - Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing,
Rage, and Lifting spell S.W.I.R.L. As you SWIRL through the overlapping stages,
the intense feelings prove to be temporary, in fact NECESSARY to your personal
growth and recovery.