cluttering the net since 2001

is "almost" deep enough?

Saturday, Jan. 05, 2002

Something happened last night that ..well a couple things happened. He called me upset about something. He came to me “needing” to talk. I told him I have something she will never have because he turned to me… I love that he did that. I just….can’t even put that into words.

My son is safely in PA. Its sooo quiet I can hear a pin drop. I feel bad saying this but I don’t miss him yet. I am engulfed in what it must be like to be childless. I had him when I was fairly young and I never knew life could be so easy without children. Last night I took my new laptop to the bookstore and sat there drinking a fattening mochaberry and just contemplating life. It was nice. It was quiet. And not once did I hear “Mommy can I have this?” whilst holding an outrageously priced item. It was….well maybe I do miss him. Well..but we cleaned up the house and it is staying that way. And I haven’t stepped on one pokemon plastic peoples yet! And his room….it’s a decorators dream right now. Neat and tidy.

Haaaaaaaaa husband just got up and went over to the stereo and said “I think we need some music”. We just don’t know what the hell to do with all this silence. And “Live” “someone should take your microphone” fills the air…. Have I ever mentioned that he and I don’t so much have the same taste in music? I don’t mind most of what he really likes and he doesn’t mind most of what I like but we don’t like what the other likes first and foremost. Odd.

“He” listens to country music exclusively and only. I often wonder, when I have nothing else to think about like now, what he would do if I cranked up The Mat’s. He’d probably change it or tell me to put headphones on. I wonder. I’m going to ask him and get his “Internet Acceptable” answer. That’s a whole ‘nother entry. “Internet Acceptability!”

I read this really cool story this morning on Tod’s website today.

Comeback Special

And yes I refer to him as Tod because we’re now friends. He’s a great guy outside of the fack that I mentally drool on his writing ability. He’s nice and engaging and just fun to exchange email text with.

Ok there’s something I really want to address. Something deep based on a conversation I had last night where he said that she was “almost” what he wanted but he could never talk to her about anything deep. And I’m having this thought and Live just sang…“Does he run deep enough to take you there?” Of course this sounds like sex. I think the way I choose to see it is ….can he take me to that place where I am only me. Can I express myself to the extent that I feel like me? I didn’t just explain that too well but it makes sense to me.

Last night I sat in my vehicle in a Walmart parking lot staring at the side of husbands truck wondering why he wasn’t answering his cell phone. When he came walking out carrying Tide and toilet paper I was rifling through his truck and he was saying “what are you doing?” I looked at him and replied thru tears “losing my mind because of all the bad memories.” He said “lets go get some margarita’s and forget”. It didn’t work. All I wanted to do was talk to “him” and tell him that all this “almost” doesn’t count.

And right now Live sings “Forever may not be long enough for our love”


I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for
3:48 p.m. ::
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