cluttering the net since 2001

april showers.....(poems)

Wednesday, Apr. 10, 2002
Tonight….which will be last night when I post this…I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wept and smiled and drank Chai and wrote and wrote….and cried and laughed and wiped tears and drank again… then…drank salty Chai and wrote in ink and ripped out pages of frustration from books of memories and opened my heart and slammed it all back in again and stood up and smiled and cried in the rain of the hot shower again…and hoped beyond all my pain that someday I will heal over old scars that scream just to mend.

April showers...

Uncertainty mocks me
Calling out my name
Twisting it in the wind
Limbs from old love’s seams
Ripping across the sky
It’s just trees
Weeping on pillows of dreams

Swinging in tears
That shadowed
Behind me for weeks
It’s been forever
And not long enough since
Asphalt dust
Chased down my
Happy tears of cheeks

Snaking across blue skies
Clouded ink
Listening to smiling shudders
Of I love you’s
That my wicked memory
Must weep

Coursing through veins
Words licked out of dictionaries
Do you know what I mean
I mean
do you still know me?
Do you feel what I feel?
Do you still feel
What we couldn’t be?

Do you see what I have seen?
Do you feel the shiver of
What might have been?
Ice chilled clear
So beautiful
I cry ‘til it’s gone
The warmth knows
It never was unique snow
Yet the liquid just keeps flowing on
While a pregnant pause
Is empty

…it doesn’t even show…

Fingers snaked out wide
Looking through webs of deceit
A lie is the friend of a friend
Who was the lover of a cheat
I’m writing a book for your eyes
Paper cutting the truth behind you
Watching everything die

Can’t you just understand that
When the good of the past
Is just an echo turned pain
And pain is for keeps
True love is too expensive
Too far…it is far too costly
And I’m opting out for
A love that is cheap!

(I never comment about my poetry, but feel like doing just that now. April showers is about the conversation I had with "him", have in the past have in the present crying in the April winds…..)



ears echo noise
and noise echoes through
stereos broken
silenced the song
that was you

a sing song will
bring along
something to hold
something new in you
runs back to the old

“won’t ever be lonely”
I kiss words
Dressed in memory
Til we become one

Search in the agony
For something
Left just undone

What was it?


We had?

I mourn for


It was just maybe…
All maybe

It was just ….


A chance…

(Chance is about that feeling we all have when we think we’ve found the one thing that will complete us and then realize it was nothing but a flicker of a fire that was never really built.)


pretty we

I’m sliding
Up against you
Naked remembering
Once how I knew
I had lost you

For a few more days
I want to play lets pretend
So I find you again

We can paint a picture
Of me
Standing against you
A photo of
Not just you there
And then me

Color by number
Take your time
Inside the lines

Ache to distract you
With love
So I can hide
Every shade of blue

(“Pretty we” is about my husband and I. I really want it to all be the thing…the thing that mends me, mends us. I want to start over and believe in all of it. I want to paint new and beautiful pictures…without the color of the past.)


I once

I once wanted many
Once upon times
I once wrote plenty
Of danced upon rhymes

I once held you
Tight in my mind
I once felt you
Were all I had to find

I once knew
That I could speak free
I once talked truthful
And truly you accepted me

I once asked you
If you’d erase me from your time
I once held my breath
But you said I’d be your friend for all time….

I once wanted to hug you
And just cry out all of my tears
I once recently realized
We have time….forever is measured in years..

I once wiped a tear
Caused from the mere purity of you
I once upon a rhyme found you…
And I was the luckiest…its true

(“Once” is about and for a true friend who showers me in daisies when I cry and smiles when I smile. I love you MP and I always will! I once tried to write poetry…but since you…I believe that I can! I know….too much repeat on this poem…but the fact is I once I once I once think you’re the best and I can’t just tell you once! )


I’ve never said this before, but if you read my diary, thank you. I know I have friends and foes out there and I don’t write for acceptance, but I accept that I have an audience of sorts and if you’re a part of it, thanks for taking a seat in my audience and thanks to Andrew for giving me a stage to play out my life on, without it I wouldn’t have a canvas that was as much fun to paint.

Can you tell it’s late and I’m saving this to disk to post tomorrow and I’ve had way too much caffeine and I’m getting all sappy? Well …it’s true!


P.S. Thanks Sandy....
8:17 a.m. ::
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