bad day
Tuesday, Jun. 11, 2002
I�m at work and I can�t keep my head straight. I have a thousand things flying through my mind. A thousand mistakes I�ve made. I never meant to mess everything all up as badly as I manage to do constantly. Every time something good comes into my life, I can�t accept that I�m allowed to have that something good. So many scars have embedded themselves into me and made me believe that I didn�t have any right to any happiness. And that if I had it�it would be fleeting and the pain and heartache would shortly follow. And so I do whatever I can to sabotage everything. I don�t know why I let one thing hurt me so badly that I gave up and ran back. And what is up with husband. I practically told him �I love someone else, I messed it up and I�m completely distraught.� And he said �call me if you need to talk�.
Everything�s so fucked.
And to add insult to injury a co-worker just told me that he�s moving to NC.
It would make for a good novel if it wasn�t my life. If I wasn�t the sad stick figure walking around in it, it would be pretty interesting. I want that end scene where the dark closes in like a giant black circle and the colors get smaller and smaller.
I�m just done. Done with everything. Nothing I do is taking away the constant lump in my throat, the hollow I feel inside. The regrets�
I wish I could just get up and leave everything behind and chase everything I want. But I had that chance and blew it. Now didn�t I? He said, �do you want to be 60 and look back and regret that you didn�t meet me?� He has no real clue how big regret is. It�s choking off my blood flow. I�m not very good at loving anybody.
I just got called into my boss�s office and told. �we noticed a 58 minute phone call from your friend in NC on our 800 number. Tell him to call you on the regular line. We�re more upset about the 58 minutes than the cost.
I am not having a good day to say the least.
