can't pass up the past
Sunday, Apr. 20, 2003
Rick went fishing with his brother Doug. Hour's ago. I did laundry, prepared Easter baskets for my men, and
basically sat around pining away for Rick. I want him to have a life that's full and balanced and I want him to do things
without me, on his own. I don't want to alter his life so drastically that he loses himself somewhere. I just miss him when
he's not around. I'm used to him being at work a lot in the evenings, and I'm used to entertaining myself because of the past
few years with ex where I had to amuse myself because he was just gone all the time. I know how to amuse myself, I have tons of
books, and I had tons of laundry and I had to get that Easter basket thing done. But I miss Rick.
I cleaned the bedroom too. Sometimes I wish I was uber rich so I could just buy everything new. I have things from the past, and sometimes I wish that I could have chucked everything and started all over. I'm sure with time I will, it's just...sometimes it bothers me to have pieces of my past hanging around. I suppose you can never entirely erase your past, you simply have to come to terms with it. Perhaps the items are just ghosts and someday they will fade into the background. I know that what's important isn't materialistic at all.
I'm debating going to bed, which brings up an issue. At this point I have so many issues plaguing me from my past that it's insane. When Rick gets up out of bed because he can't sleep and I find him sleeping on the couch....I know it's because of valid reasons...but something inside of me cracks wide open because it simply remembers all the nights waking up alone in a bed. It's so fucked up to me how you can change everything around you, be in love with someone that loves you right back with everything they have and still you are still the same inside, the same girl that got lost somewhere, the same girl that doesn't know what to do with those abandonment issues from the past, the only thing that is not the same is that I'm not dumping my crap all over Rick, even though he knows, he's not stupid, he sees it all over my face. I just don't know how to express myself to him. How do I tell him that when he talked to the neighbor today, it made me remember how years ago I blew things off, things that I felt, sensed..but I blew it all off, told myself I was lame, crazy...it couldn't be. How do I tell him that it makes me hyperventilate now? How? How? Without telling him to not live normally and be free to be who he is. The man that I fell in love with. I don't want to change him because I have these fucked up scars inside of my heart. I want him to be the boy who smiles at me, teaches me how to walk with my head up in front of him without shame...I want that man. The one that loves me despite my scars, is himself no matter what. I want him to be him, I don't want to change him because of my innate fears and my struggle with dissapointments so large from my past. He has never hurt me, it is the fact that I can't forget enough of the pain to move forward without fear. I am trying....so hard.
