cluttering the net since 2001


Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2002
He called me on the phone at workÖthen again tonight as I was just walking in after seeing my therapist...and I think heís looking for closure to this entire thing. He brought up some valid points and I just wanted to hear what he had to say.

He said that I donít have answers and he doesnít think Iíll ever get rid of my fear and actually leave my husband and even after I do then Iíll need time to myself. And heís moving on from what I can tell. Thatís fine. I suppose Iím angry and all sorts of feelings that I canít define are coursing through my veins and I donít think itíll ever be the same again between him and I and thatís life. Thatís just sometimes how life is. Itís a circular thingÖ..Iím in the middle somewhereÖIíll find my something...someday. It just wasnít meant to be him.

Him: something wrong?
PoeticaL: lol nope
Him: good
PoeticaL: I'm getting answers that's all
PoeticaL: you're right
Him: how are you doing this
PoeticaL: I need answers and you can't give em to me
PoeticaL: I'm moving out by March 1st
PoeticaL: he's helping me
PoeticaL: we're in total agreement
PoeticaL: and I told him everything there was to tell basically
Him: well thats kewl
PoeticaL: I am afraid
Him: of what
PoeticaL: and that fear is going to destroy me if I don't get the fuck rid of it
PoeticaL: doing everything all by myself in the big scary world
PoeticaL: that's what scares me
Him: its just an emotion
PoeticaL: I know
PoeticaL: listen......him and I aren't screaming at each other and its not an ugly situation
PoeticaL: I just need to do this for me
PoeticaL: I will never be happy until I do
Him: i agree
PoeticaL: and....for the record....I told him that you were my friend...and that yes you matter to me but that this wasn't for you or about you either
PoeticaL: cause its really not
Him: thats right
PoeticaL: I do understand it all
PoeticaL: its not about being confused anymore
Him: i hope so
PoeticaL: I'm just fucking scared
Him: im out there pounding away making my own way
PoeticaL: yup I know
Him: im 2000 miles from the nearest relative
PoeticaL: and if YOU can do it anyone can! LOL =P
Him: thats right
Him: i have no houdini spells
PoeticaL: I want to ask you something
PoeticaL: I've never asked you for anything
PoeticaL: you know that......
Him: yeah sorta
PoeticaL: haha
PoeticaL: c'mon....
Him: ok ask
PoeticaL: just be my friend....don't bail out on that right now....please..
Him: im not bailing but i cant get all caught up in your life you need to clean up
PoeticaL: I understand that
PoeticaL: and I know I have to do this by myself
Him: from now on i have to have me come first
PoeticaL: i just don't want to ever feel like its all gone
Him: im not going to stop living or put my life on hold
PoeticaL: I don't want you to
Him: i may even start dating
PoeticaL: thats ok too
Him: ok
Him: im going to bed early
PoeticaL: k
Him: im beat
PoeticaL: night
Him: nite
Him signed off at 11:04:19 PM.

I donít want to hate anyone anymore. I donít want to harbor bad feelings. I want to find peace and quiet and resolve. I want to find me and be happy with just that. I donít want to leave ďBuckyĒ behind. I donít want a lot of things. I just wanted that ďgoodĒ that was there to be always there so that I could cope with all the rest of the bad feeling stronger.
11:18 p.m. ::
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