cold turkey
Thursday, May. 02, 2002
BraN and I talked for quite a few hours last night and it felt great to get all caught up again with him. He�s even over there in London looking for books that I�m looking for. awwww�.. He�s doing well. He�s going to Toronto (where my other bestest friend Carla lives) this summer. So I could conceivably make one trip and get to see Carla and BraN. I jokingly told BraN that I could hook him up with Carla. He sorta seemed to get mad about that saying �no way�I want to meet you.� But now thinking about it, they would be awesome together. Afterall they�re my bestest friends.
I�m working on this writing assignment so to speak for JEM and I can�t get it together in my head first. This is a challenge and I gotta be successful at it. I�d tell you more, but it�s for a top secret project that he so graciously asked me to be a part of. Awwww again!
About a half hour ago I called �him� back. And he and talked for awhile. He claims now that his new girlfriend who ditched him last weekend because her ex-husband �made her� is not going to ditch him this weekend and that they are going to a barbeque together. I swear if he calls me to tell me how she couldn�t make it I�m going to laugh in his face and hang up. He talks a big game but when it comes right down to it�he falls for the stuff that is the worst for him. Meaning he says he would never tolerate this or that, but then look at him. But something has definitely changed. I expected the big speech about calling his cell phone while he was at work. I didn�t get that. In fact instead I got the �oh its ok, I�m the boss and so I can talk on the phone if I want.� Hmmm�. To which I replied �Can I talk to �HIM� please?!?!?!� Maybe I�m always the girl that men want for a friend, never for a fuck partner. Wait�listen to me�what the fucks wrong with me?
I finally have my husband being the person I always thought he was and I can�t just accept it all and let go. I�ve always had this huge problem. I fall for someone, I care about someone and I do it with everything that I am. And I never truly let go. I�ll carry some torch for that person for life. I�m just hoping this is a little puny matchstick flame and not the bonfire of the vanities.
This weekend I�m going to plant sunflowers, go curl my toes into the sand and read a good book on the beach, and do something kewl with �Bucky� and �da man. I need more days in my life like Tuesday was. That was awesome and I need to pursue those days in my life.
And for crying out loud�I need to quit calling �him�. Quit caring about what he�s doing. Just quit. Cold turkey. Yeah�that�s the plan! I will quit. Like smoking�this will be hard. One thing he said that stuck with me was �you always did like that England dude far more than me�� Hmm� Guys are so blind!!
Time to get back to work. The afternoon always seems so much longer than the morning for some reason. Time goes slower at work than it does anywhere else in life, doesn�t it?
-PoeticaL
Pretty pathetic that I keep trying to name all my entries the same things!
