I'm such a coward
Monday, Jun. 17, 2002
I faxed him this letter before I chickened out�.I�m now just numb. Brad,
You are my best friend. I want to tell you that first. I can�t imagine my life without you in it. But there are things going on in my life that have brought me to this decision. And while this is a cowards way to go about this, it is the only way I can. I just can�t ever bring myself to do it when I hear your voice or am present to see your reaction. I can�t ever bring myself to do something that I don�t truly want in my heart, but only believe to be the right thing to do.
It�s the most difficult thing I�ve ever known I had to do. I have done things. Wrong things. Things that I can�t ever figure out a way to rectify or fix. And I have come to the strong realization that sometimes you have to put aside what you want when you have done wrong things along the way like I have. Sometimes you do too many things wrong to ever see a way to make a clear path again.
I have avoided this because you are such a big part of who I am somehow. You are the only person I confide my deepest of feelings in. You are in some ways, everything to me. And everything is so messed up in my life that I just can�t stand trying to find a way to make things right when I see no answers in my near future.
Last night during half of the conversation online, listening to you sing�I realized how much you are in my heart. How much I truly just care for you as a person. I want nothing more in life than for you to obtain everything you seek, now and always. I just don�t think I have the right to be a part of your life in any way, shape or form.
There are too many things I just stopped talking to you about. In my mind, you told me to forget about you and I was trying desparately to accept that and I made decisions based on those words, based on the problems I was having and trying to solve. I am in some ways very far on my path of goals, in other ways I have taken a thousand steps back.
My current situation is something I haven�t clearly discussed with you, and I just don�t know that I see any point in it. I know this will incite you to come after me and ask me a thousand questions. Perhaps you should consider that what I am doing just might be in your best interest. I am not the selfish girl you think I am.
I see myself as this girl with a million problems. Problems that are the result of a few bad decisions many years ago. But either way, they are my problems and you shouldn�t have to deal with them. A few months ago, I was on the right path. You bailed, I fell apart. I hate to admit that to myself or to you, but that�s exactly what happened. I had everything going right, til that one day. I can look back and see how it all spiraled apart.
Maybe I placed too much of my plans on you. On your thoughts, your advice. I know I was completely lost without it. I can�t be lost without someone. I have to be strong alone. I have to figure out what�s best without you.
I think you have an idea in your head of what you want in your life. I don�t feel that I fit that idea in any way shape or form. You told me that to have a friend is not a bad thing and I agree. You�re the best friend I�ve ever truly had. But my feelings are not of the friendship nature, so in some ways it�s emotional torture trying to be nothing more than your friend. It�s difficult to hear about your life sometimes, particularly when I hear about other women. I�m not the jealous type, it�s just difficult. It�s not impossible and it�s not the reason for this letter.
I would like to remember last night and think of you with a smile. I admire you and think so highly of you that it blows me away sometimes. I have tried to point out all of your shortcomings to myself along the way so that I might get a grasp on my feelings. That never happens. I think I am coming close, but it doesn�t happen.
As far as things I haven�t shared in the last 3 months. They are too confusing to ever explain without it all appearing that I just set out to mislead you. I didn�t, I just was struggling with my own demons, my own responsibilities and my own life, alone. I�d like to add that I never had my life any more straightened out than when you were right there for me. You made a huge huge difference in my life. I can�t even begin to describe my feelings�
I can only imagine how happy I would be just to hang out with you everyday and laugh and be goofy. It would surely have to be blissful. I have never spent any time around anyone else that was ever the way it is when you and I talk.
I�ve just made a big huge mess of my life, and I don�t want you to be any part of that. It�s not that you�ve done anything wrong, but I have to say goodbye to you. I just have to. It�s the only thing I can see to resolve anything. I can�t take the things I�ve done and undo them, I messed up when you weren�t there. And it�s going to take time to fix things. Time that you shouldn�t have to be a part of. Problems that you shouldn�t have to know about anymore.
Go on with your life and always know that there�s a girl somewhere that thinks of you constantly, and she�ll remember you forver. Please don�t try to contact me because for me to even try to explain it is impossible. I have sat in silence unable to speak to you too many times. I have fielded your questions while whinseing and holding back a million tears.
It�s best this way. Let me remember you with a smile. Good luck with everything in your life. Please don�t come asking me, because I can�t even being to explain. And even if I found a way, it wouldn�t be a good thing anyways. I messed up and I can�t fix it. I can�t undo it, and neither can you.
You came asking to come see me, you were 3 months too late. That�s so heartbreaking for me. I think that will hurt endlessly. It was what I always wanted, but�you told me goodbye one too many times. That time I actually believed you. My biggest mistake. Rejection, that feeling�it makes me do the wrong thing. It made me mess everything up. And now it�s best this way, to say goodbye.
Be safe, you�ll always be in my prayers�
I love you. I�m sorry.
Kristy
