dismissive

Ok so I lost my job. I was "dismissed" yesterday morning. First thing Monday morning. I wish they had told me on Friday so I could have saved the 45 minute trip out there. I was really given no reason and nothing that was said was anything I agree with. Although little was said because I didn't care to fight to keep the job either even though I have bills to pay.

I wasn't happy there at all so I'm ok with it, except for I have bills and I have financial concerns. They did give me severance pay and I'm grateful for that. That's the reason I can pay my rent and make it until I have another job. However, what timing those folks had and I'm 34 yrs old and this is the first and only time this has ever happened to me. I was not told I was fired. I was not told I did anything wrong. I believe they wanted a workaholic nose to the grindstone sort like they are. It was much like working in a library. No life in that room. It was exhausting from a mental standpoint. I was always on the verge of falling asleep even when I wasn't tired. And besides...I was having a very difficult time believing that the font you use on a fucking fax page makes any damned difference to the end reader save for readability. I have also never in my life seen anyone pull out a ruler to check the balance from the left margin to the right margin. Talk about anal???!?!? God help those sorts of people. I'll never be that sort. I went to work every single day and don't feel I did anything wrong. Will never feel that I did. However, I know I'm not the person they want. They have no children, no lives outside of those companies and more power to them. I commend them for what they have. I just wonder if they realize all that they will never have. Life is about more than your net worth.

Lastly I'd like to tell all bosses out there if you share your bossly duties with a spouse, don't dump the communication bit on the other spouse because you don't have a clue how to talk to your employee. It makes you look really lame even if you're not.

Secondly, I had a job interview yesterday that looks promising. Yes I lost a job and interviewed for a brand new one all in the same day. It's called pick up the newspaper and look immediately and don't sit and boo hoo about life's shit. I also had another this morning with a second interview slated for Thursday. That interviewer knows a former boss of mine very well and knows if I worked for that guy then I have my shit together.

Keep in mind that I have no telephone line at home and no internet at home and I'm still managing to get interviews within the same day as I lost a job. Go figure. Go me! If you have desire and tenacity and all that good stuff..you will go far.

I'm having to make some big decisions and I'm torn up inside over R. I hope that he and I can work things out in the right way. I'm grateful that we both are on the same page right now. And I don't expect anyone here or anywhere to understand and I don't much give a fuck either.

It's hard to sit in that apartment that was my life with him and not want to die inside. It's even harder to explain anything I feel or how many mistakes I made before we got to this point. It's impossible.

I'm simply going on because I have no choice. Life is like that. You either keep going or you stop. I don't know how to stop. Even though every night at 2 a.m. I'd do anything to feel numb. I know I need meds, I need help that I'm not getting. I'm doing the best I can. I'm really sorry about so much and yet I can't believe that it's impossible to fix. What the heart desires the mind fights to achieve.

-PoeticaL