door ajar
Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002
I keep going where the door is ajar and the warm light filters out into the hallway. Something in me needs to always know that hallway is still there. I walk down it barefoot just to feel the physicality of its path. I keep going back, without turning and retreating with my back towards the light.
It is the only pure and good place in my world right now, and I fight inside telling myself that the light is there, and I must have faith and not wear a path to it�s door. But I am back, tracing my fingerprints down the pristine walls. I need to know the light is there. I need to know I have not lost everything.
That door, creaky, I push it open and my tears flow forth. When I panic I come right back to the same hinges that hold me together, it�s the same jamb that I mark my mistakes against with every bang of my head.
Each trip out of the house I represent a wish that I wear on my sleeve like a scar that I have an entire story about. I go away but the light is in my heart. It glows when I weaken. It shows me the way. Every strand of hair is written full of notebook lines that tangle me, tie me to that room. That room where everything good resides
And when I am far far away, floating to my island feeling bloated full of strength and self satisfaction that I found my way without the starlight, I still see that warm glow pouring like liguid down through my toes. I still know that I am not alone.
Like a sailor you are my compass, my map to everything I want. Mercy please have mercy on me for needing to check on the light. For knowing the north star is all I have to guide me and fearing that if I can�t get a glimpse each day, I will get lost.
That door, that hallway, that light, maybe I didn�t have enough faith, but when I couldn�t travel that way, I got lost before. I need to check, and yet that is not fair. You should be head bent down, guiding your own path. I need to find my own directions, sometimes your map is all I grasp. Sometimes your map is all I have.
Someday when I find myself again, I hope I find a way to pay back the stars, to give back your light. Someday I hope I am compelled to find your door ajar, to lean against the jamb and pay you back with a jar of smiles.
I hope I am so strong that I no longer cling to you, but rather I stand my own ground and share my strength.
Right now I might tiptoe away, but I run full blast right back.
I�m sorry I rely on you. I�m sorry I am too weak to find my own way. Someday. I promise you...someday I will be so strong. But I will never forget that there was this time, this time when you were my only light.
