cluttering the net since 2001

Dream big and then believe in your dream BIGGER!

Wednesday, Dec. 04, 2002
I used to want someone to please just come along and fix things. Please just come pluck me from my life and place me in one where people were fortunate and happy. It was all rather like watching a child pick up a playschool person and moving it about. I thought that a personís destiny was determined by the people around them, their lot in life, and mere chance. I used to think that I was unhappy because of someone else. Because of their actions, I never acknowledged my own.

Recently I allowed myself to be dissuaded and I blamed my own failings as a person on someone that merely gave me advice I asked for. I think about some of my actions and mental beliefs and know that they are simply those of a person struggling to find answers, and wanting desperately to believe I have found them somewhere.

Itís so easy to find a scapegoat and a place for blame. So much harder to look long and hard into a mirror and tell oneself, ďHey the reason you donít have what you want in your life is because you have failed to chase it hard enough, to want it bad enough, to pursue it long enough! It is so difficult and gut wrenching to take the blame for oneís own unhappiness.

Sure husband cheats, but I sit and allow it to affect me. Whoís responsible for my unhappiness about it? Címon, in all honestly I am just as much to blame for my unhappiness as his actions are.

If Iím not fulfilled at my job, is it my bosses fault? Nah, Iím the fool that keeps coming back, right?

Iím responsible for finding my own happiness. Just as Iím responsible if Iím not happy. Me. Not anyone else.

If you had one person in your life that was honest with you, brutally honest to the point that they told you things you needed to know. If someone came and wiped all the fog right off of your thoughts and wonderings, and you saw your own face in all its clarity, would you cover your eyes or would you take a long look?

I keep trying to cover my eyes, because a lot of my realities are very difficult to face. But I also realize that while Iím trying to cover my eyes, the one person that cares enough about me to stand there and fight for whatís best for me pays the price when I react with anger and tears. WrongÖthis is so so wrong.

The one person I care for and respect more than anyone elseÖand this is how I repay them?

I know my thoughts are all scattered, but they really arenít. Right now I have a clarity about the situation that is quite scary for me to accept. It means that no one else is carrying the fault or blame for where I am in my life. If I donít like it no one else can fix it. They can assist, support, and root for me, be in my corner and clap when I succeed. But no ONE can FIX it if I donít do that for myself.

I have dreams and they arenít the source of the nightmares. The source of the nightmares has been my constant refusal to face reality and get off my ass and do whatever it took to overcome the sad, insulting and sometimes unfathomable things that have happened in my life.

Everyone has shit in their life, everyone encounters people that want to shit on their lives, but not everyone is willing to do shit for shit about it.

Last night I realized that you can have a great place to live, success, money in the bank, a nice vehicle, nice things all around you and still not be happy. So where does happiness come from? Itís not something anyone plunks down into your life. Itís a combination of a thousand stars lighting up a night sky providing a beam of light so bright its undeniable. Only the stars donít align to make it happen. One must align all the things in their life that matter and smile when the light comes on.

No one put you where you are right nowÖboy isnít that a thought to make you cringe. If no one else is to blame then how the hell will anyone come fix it for me? DamnÖ.not something anyone wants to face.

Furthermore, if you read this far, thanksÖ. Secondly, if you have spent your time trying to get me to see the light of realityÖmy thanks are un-measurable. When my light comes I will always know in my heart you were the person that took the time to get the wheels in my head turning. I wonít ever forgetÖno matter what I know how to buy the right onion now and thatís everything when you think about it. Dream big and then believe in your dream BIGGER!

10:00 a.m. ::
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