maybe your drifting towards the equator?
Friday, Aug. 23, 2002
When I met �t� I posted my profile on that site at a point and time in my life when I was living alone. The very day I met him I said ... "but there's something I need to tell you first... I explained brutally the situation that I was in. Told him flat out that if he wanted no part of it that I would understand. Anyone insinuating that a guy can only use me because of the situation that i'm in is total crap and makes me angry because if you ask me t coulda split. He coulda said "nah...fuck this." Know what t does say? He says "it's a piece of paper problem...that's all that it is."
my whole thinking on this situation is, does he make you happy? do you smile when you think of him? does he make you feel good? thats all that matters, no matter if he is just online, a million miles away, or right there in your arms
Yes he makes me happy. What makes me mad.... people that just can't just let it be whatever it is all by itself.
I�m afraid. Afraid of wanting too much from t. I know there will be times when I can't speak to him at all. It�s not his fault. The reasons for it. To be honest it never seems to matter with him. Because I somehow know he's not gone because he doesn't want to talk to me. Its mostly in the way that he's so upfront about stuff saying things to me like "I called your voice mail just to hear your voice again before I went to sleep." How many people put their thoughts and feelings right out there like that? He�s not doing that because he wants to get laid. And believe me he sees the most fucked up parts of me. The stuff no one else sees. Everyone else sees pretty poetry.....girl whining....I leave out so much.
I don�t spill everything and anything out. I tell a lot and people read that and think it's all here because there's so much that I do say. This is only the tip of this huge cold ugly iceberg of my life. Do people really think i'm going to talk about �.gripping the carpeting with bloody fingers....hearing bones smash inside my head�...listening to crying from his bedroom? Theres so much more�.you can�t see�
Why can't anyone just let me smile just once during a day because some boy in afghanistan thinks i'm worth his fucking time? Because all he wants to do is see me smile. Because when he leaves a message on my voice mail...I swear i can hear his voice cracking. He's not over there playing games with me. Some comments get to me because I�ve been through this before. But what I�ve just realized is that I�ve never been through it with �t�. And �him� and everyone else that came before him, they weren�t �t�. I tell him stuff and believe me its horrific sometimes.
And ya know what he does? Nothing. He doesn't say "damn that sucks" or �omg�. He says the same thing he's always said to me. "Everything will be ok" And when I get angry and say "how can everything ever be ok again?" He says "one mile marker at a time..stay with me..we'll get there" So part of me wants to rage, bitch and scream and then I just know it doesn�t matter.
Two nights ago he was making faces at me and trying to get me to smile....he says he likes the way my face lights all up when I smile. I said 'why are you trying so hard?" He said "because I want you to really let me come and see you". He actually thinks there's a possibility that I wouldn't?????? But my point in saying this is I'm afraid but guess what? So is he. He wouldn't be doubtful if he didn't give a fuck. You only fear losing things that matter.
I talk about �t� not because I�m saying 'hey look at me and t how great this all is but because I don't think I�ve ever been more myself...before him. Someone smart told me that�s a sign of someone you want to keep. Its not that he makes me feel special ....though sometimes he just does. He makes me believe that there are good things in this world and for so long I haven't believed that at all. For 2 1/2 years I begged �him� for his attention. I begged �him� to care about me. I don�t ask t for a thing.... i don't have to ..because he just is..he just is everything.
I just sometimes think everyone thinks I'm not strong enough to just leave... but ya know there's a 9 year old in my life...and everything he needs always comes before whatever my heart wants. I have put what I wanted aside for a long long time and I don't resent it. I just get angry when people actually can't see what I'm sacrificing so that my son doesn't have to. Sure I can split. I can take him and go live in south st pete and raise him to be a gun toting daddy hater. Honestly in the end I have a feeling I�m not gonna end up having him with me. It�s like this omen feeling, this premonition and knowing that, every day I�m in this fucked up situation I walk down the hall and watch him sleep and i try to take a memory picture in my head because I left before and I couldn't do that and I sat with razor blade thoughts and tried not to remember what it was like to just watch him sleep....it was so hard....no one knows how hard it was.... and so I know I gotta leave...but fuck...I go down the hall and I just sit there and wish it didn't have to be like this.
Tonight I just wanted one person to know why I don't just go. (thanks ry) And I decided to just let it all out. I can't fix a life that slowly got all messed up over ten years...I can't fix it in a week a month a year and make it all perfect for me to be able to take my son with me and start all over. Most weeks I'm scraping money off the floor of the pussy car..just so my son can eat lunch. And that's with 2 incomes. 2! So yeah.... I know if I leave this situation I gotta be in a place myself where I can provide for him in order to take him. And not being able to take him makes it so hard to want to leave a marriage when it means to me that I gotta leave the only right thing I ever did with my life.
Maybe your not judging me but I just get it every single day and it does hurt because all i'm trying to do is find the answers and I let people see those really weak parts of who I am just because I'm trying to write myself into understanding it all enough to fix it somehow.
The worse thing that could ever happen to these kinds of people who want to discourage me or tell me my life will forever be mundane.......is for them to know what it feels like to know you messed up when you wanted to believe that vows were for life.....and faithfulness was a given The only forever is the person that you are for yourself. That is ever changing but it is forever. If my life was mundane that would be a gift to me. To some that would appear to be hell. When you have known hell....real hell... mundane is joy.
(thanks ryan for letting me get this all off my chest�. Fuck anyone that just doesn�t know�)
~~~
t: Why are you still up?
me: lol
t: shouldn't you be sleeping?
me: um...er....
t: errr..yea
t: right?
t: how else are you going to get up at 4am?
me: lol
me: 4 a.m.?
me: I don't have to get up at 4 a.m.
me: and besides
t: ?
me: I came home from work, made dinner, cleaned my books up, did dishes and crashed on the marshmellow couch for 2 hours
t: so you are not tired then?
me: nope
me: heres the thing
t: ok
me: i sleep when i can sleep
me: because sometimes I'm so tired and I can't sleep at all
t: yep same here
t: I know...been there
me: so if I come home and run around doing stuff I need to get done and I'm able to sleep....I just sleep
t: ok
me: I wish I could decide when my body was gonna sleep and work around it but it never works that way
t: I know...
t: it is a learned trait in the military
me: well you say that now .....but what if you were in a bed trying to sleep and i was running around in insomnia zone
t: and...
t: i can sleep through a freight train
t: besides....
me: yes but it tends to piss people off that you never get in bed when other people are
t: I will just have to wear you out before you go to bed t: right?
me: teehee
me: that's one thing I can say
t: whats that?
me: I probably wasn't as messed up on the sleep issue when I had a sex life
me: cause sex does make you feel all chilled out and then you can sleep
me: sex is that zone out place where you don't think anymore
t: so i guess we will just have to take care of that every night before bed....
t: it is a rough job...
t: but someone has to do it
me: well ....these are all hypothetical thoughts
t: hmpft
me: what t?
me: ok let me ask you a question...
t: shoot
t: NEXT!
t: ?
me: lol
me: ok ok
t: ask away
me: you seem to think you know what you want
me: you talk about things that can only prove to be hypothetical
me: because we haven't even met
t: right...
t: and?
me: so why do you do that?
t: I like to be optimistic
t: sometimes that is
t: ;-)
me: but....
t: it goes back to the ....
me: to the what?
t: hope for the best plan for the worse concept
me: ok...
me: my pal justin
me: was telling me tonight
me: that all guys I have met in the last year or so use me because
me: Justin: you are in a situation that makes loving you pointless
me: Justin: so they have to use you
t: ok
me: Kwisty2k: is that so?
Kwisty2k: that is not true
Justin: sure, unless you want to romanticize love to the point of impractibility.
Kwisty2k: loving me is not pointless
Justin: love should lead to marriage and togetherness and one on one relationship for a lifetime.
Kwisty2k: oh man
Justin: when that is an improbability, what is the point of loving someone who cannot give you that life?
t: why is it pointless?
t: whatever
me: whatever?
t: he is basically saying that all roads have to lead to marriage or there is no point.
me: i suppose thats what he's saying
me: can i tell you something
t: you know you can
me: i'm not all that convinced i could ever go run off and get married again
t: I know that already
me: you do?
t: yep...
t: you are in a difficult situation and you are not sure if that is what you want.....again
t: maybe?
me: here's what i think
me: i want something i never had
t: ok
me: a piece of paper doesn't mean a thing
t: right
me: that piece of paper is just that....paper
t: exactly....
me: do I have this hardened attitude towards marriage
me: no
me: i don't
me: but i never wanted a piece of paper and i don't want that now or ever
t: right
me: i want stuff that is far harder to ever have than that
t: yep
t: the intangibles
me: you do know.... i told you the most brutal truths about my life right now...because i honestly dont' expect anyone to want any part of it...dont' you?
t: your past is part of what makes you who you are
t: that is all....anyone who doesn't want to be a part of your life...
t: cannot see the beauty of the forest....because of all th trees
t: don't you hate cliches?
me: lol
me: as a writer your supposed to hate them...but sometimes....they are as needed as the letters you rape and use without thought
t: ok
me: so tell me something
me: the situation that I'm in...does it bother you?
t: the Speed of light is 1.98 x 10 to the eighth meter per second
t: oh...
t: you meant something else
t: ok
me: don't you ever think to yourself "man this girls got a huge mess...no thanks...I got wars to fight...things to do.."
t: no...why would i...
t: alll I know is that I enjoy time spent with you...that is it...
t: is that wrong?
me: no t
me: its not wrong
t: ok
me: i just ....
t: you just....?
me: hypothetical statements about how things might be....lead to some sort of expectation somewhere and then expectations cause disappointments
t: ok...so no more hypothetical statements?
me: listen
me: i don't want to tell you what's ok to say and not ok to say
me: or that anything you think ...you should ever have to think twice about what you just want to think and say
me: i want nothing more than for you to just be
me: for me to just be
me: i'm just fucking scared
me: because I love you and I don't know what that's gonna ever mean
t: all we can do is hope for the best......
t: if it all works out then it was meant to be....
t: or am i just living in a dream world?
me: i really want you to understand something
t: which is?
me: you make everything better
me: and you don't do a thing to cause that
me: it just is
t: ;-)
me: i've just been through some of the worst things i've ever known....
me: and you gotta realize....i'm struggling because there is no reality yet
t: I know ...
me: its like one giant leap of faith
t: yep...
t: but isn't it a heck of a view?
me: yes baby
me: its like looking at the world from the other side of the sky
t: ;-)
me: i have a real big clue about how reality would be with you
t: :-)
me: it wouldn't always be easy
me: i'd be spending a lot of my time missing you
me: but you know what I do know
me: missing you is like a gift because there is a you to miss
t: :-)
me: does that make any sense to you
me: what I'm blabbering on about
t: yes it does babe
t: and no you dont blabber
me: i'm not lost in some lala land where I think that t has a horsie and he's coming to get me
me: i don't think those things
t: I dont have a horse babe
t: unless you are talking about....
me: wanna make a bet? I think you do.....
t: nevermind
t: more like a pony really t: :-)
me: i think you're the only person thats ever let me just blabber like that and not gotten all kinda confused or pissed at me for it
t: why should I get pissed?
me: because look how I am
me: i'm like ...i can't just let stuff be
t: hampft
me: i'm constantly worried
t: hmpft
t: and...
t: what does that have to do with the price of rice in China...
t: that is you is all
me: yeah but looked how messed up it is
t: Kristy.....
me: yes?
t: shhhhhh....
t: now smile :-)
me: ok ok :-)
me: did you call me today?
t: maybe
me: there was just like a blip of a message...
me: hardly even a word
t: oh...
t: that wwas a
t: hmpft
t: :-)
me: lol
me: but I was pretty sure it was you
me: and for the record
t: whys that
me: cause my phone doesn't log your calls
me: but logs everything else always
me: and there was a message but no log
t: lol
t: ok...
t: good...
me: but....thing is
me: you didn't have to say anything
me: you were thinking about me...that's enough
t: :-)
t: Hey Kristy?
me: yeah?
t: I love you!
t: and I have to get back to work again
me: hmm....is that hypothetical?
BUZZ!!!
t: ;-)
me: lol
me: you didn't answer me
t: what is it hypothetical that I have to get back to work....
t: nope...
t: I really should
t: :-)
me: grrr
me: i know i know
me: t?
t: yes Kristy
t: ?
me: thanks for letting me ramble it all out....it does help...it doesn't maybe seem like it changes anything...but it does... I can feel stuff shifting around inside me...and its' an amazing thing that's happening in there
t: :-)
me: and I do love you right front
t: its no problem babe
t: :-)
me: I do
t: :-)
me: and its not hypothetical
me: its not pointless
t: no it isn't
me: and i'm not sorry about you
t: :-)
t: but you get some sleep now ok?
me: ok
me: go back to work
t: ;-)
t: ok
t: I love you...
t: and g'night my Princess
t: ;-)
me: g'night baby
