Yes I�ve had a child (13 years ago!) and yes I lost a baby not so long ago in the early stages of pregnancy. However, I have rarely spoken about my inability to get pregnant again or the difficulty in getting pregnant prior to that miscarriage. Rick and I have a very healthy and normal sex life and yet I have not gotten pregnant. I should mention that at age 22 it took 6 to 7 months for me to get pregnant with my son. So it wasn�t all that easy way back then.

Now it feels nearly impossible. I�ve finally taken the steps to find out exactly and precisely why and see what can be done. Instead of a random diagnosis by a doctor with not enough testing, I am working with my primary health physician who then will send me with test results to a fertility specialist or whatever kind of specialist may be necessary. She told me a lot of useful information and a lot of easy to solve possibilities and so right now I�m not yet at a loss. I�m feeling optimistic and empowered because I�m taking control of this issue entirely.

Next week I�ll have a long series of blood work done to determine a great many things. Then I will have a transvaginal sonogram, which is somewhat uncomfortable to think about, however it is not invasive so much as it�s useful and really the only way to accurately diagnose a lot of things.

I decided to out myself on this issue because I might just need to vent, ruminate and recharge by writing freely about this issue.

I consider myself to be very fortunate to have what I have had in my lifetime. I have a wonderful child already and have long felt greedy at my desire for more than perhaps life wished to give me. However, Rick has no children and wishes for them dearly. I wanted more children long ago, but my ex-husband got a vasectomy as he didn�t wish for more after our son. I came to accept this was my fate.

That fate has changed and I am now happily married to someone else and I would love nothing more than to have a baby with a man that I truly love. So I�ll be entering the next week with much trepidation and inner turmoil and also a huge sigh of relief that I am doing all that I can possibly do instead of cowering in fear and questioning.

I never imagined that I would be at this point in this point of my life and so it�s taken quite some time to come to this conclusion emotionally and mentally, the place that allows me to go forth without fear of what I might find but rather hope. Hope is a hard thing to find sometimes in the midst of disappointment. However I�ve found it and I�ve buckled myself in for the ride.

I�m a very happy wife and I want more than anything to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.