PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fear is love's twin

Friday, Feb. 28, 2003
wow, I actually skipped a day of updating because...*drumroll please* I was off busy living life and having a great time. Last night (wed night) Rick and I went out to this pretty kewl Italian restaurant and had dinner together. His brother works there so he came and talked to us for awhile. Our waitress said that Rick was the cuter of the twins. :-) I knew that. They are not identical twins, but they have a lot of similiar traits. They're both sweet guys. Randy's just as sweet to his girlfriend as Rick is to me. Her and I have talked about the boys and we agree on that stuff.

Then we went to see a movie, "How to lose a guy in ten days" I liked it. Rick didn't. But it was nice to go out for a change. It was nice to just spend the evening, the entire evening together. The main word being "together".

Earlier tonight Rick and I had a massively difficult conversation about my son, my plans, my hopes, my fears. We never fight, we discuss. It gets intense. So intense and ....and yet he never walks away from it. He's great like that because he tries so damn hard to understand me and be there for me. I'm the one with issues. I'm so damn afraid of phrases like "I'm not going anywhere." And "we'll be together forever." Those are phrases I've heard before and it's sometimes like hearing a 45 record from my past. A wish for something that never lasts. I know he's not the same man, he's so far from it. He's been upfront, we've worked out things together, he's been nothing to me short of amazing, giving, real, and true. I am just so fearful. Don't we start every relationship with hopes and dreams and promises? And when and how do those things die? And how can you know you are not again asking for failure, asking for more pain, more dissapointments. Love. It's a wicked game that never forgets the pain it's caused you in the past. I'd love to just take all of my fears and shove them into an envelope and mail them straight to hell and never feel them again, but it's not so simple as that. I think there's no real answer but faith. Faith that this time is a new time, a new love, a blank page, and what becomes of the story is in our hands. The words that hit the page, the ink that inscribes our story...they are things we are in control of. Rick and I have the ability to write a love story that never finds it's last page. We have the ability, I'm just so fearful because everytime I love with all of my heart,give with all of my soul, and hope with all of my might....I have lost. Lost parts of myself, my heart, my belief in goodness in the world. I have been shattered, torn, beaten and left to die by love, that wicked nemesis. But then...then when he comes back and kisses me like he did tonight. When his hand still finds mine to hold it, when his eyes don't quite catch my gaze for fear of what he might find...it is then that I know that I am loved and that the words are merely unbent wire waiting for us to form them into something amazing that stands the test of time. He is a story I want to tell for a lifetime, a love without "the end" finishing the fairytale.

I know I am confused, afraid, full of self doubt...but I am also full of love, bliss, smiles and everything that "we" ...he and I together...can be all about...not merely "can be" but...what we are becoming. I love this man...because he understands my scars...that the only thing that can ever heal ..truly heal...is time.

I love him because he understands my fear of failure where my son is concerned. My second guessing, my tears that I can't always explain. I love him because he never makes me feel like I am dumping on him, but rather that I am not leaning on him enough.

Someday the last piece will fall into place and I want to place it there with him, together.

I love you Rick.

-PoeticaL
2:39 a.m. ::
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