PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fluctuation....

Thursday, Oct. 03, 2002
I spent my evening enthralled with my new book! That of course was after I sat in the foyer of my house on the bench that�s there with my eyes closed saying a prayer for my friend. It is rare for me to come across someone that I can be open and honest with and not be judged, not be shunned and more importantly know that I am talking to a friend. These things are priceless. The mere idea that a friend of mine would do something as kind as send me a book I pined for at the mere drop of a hat, within days of wanting it, well this act of kindness completely made me stop and ponder certain things.

I have always considered myself to be the best sort of friend to have. I have thought for long periods of time that I am a good person, a good confidant. Tonight I sat and thought long and hard about these things. I sat on the bench holding that package in my hands�.praying and thinking.

jump 2 hours later�

Yesterday husband bought a cane. It�s the niftiest cane I�ve ever seen. It folds down and has this toy like clasp that allows you to fold it in half. It�s neon blue and I tell ya if you must be cane toting, this thing is bitchin�. Yesterday he was leaning heavily on that cane, telling me that he could barely walk.

Tonight I saw him and he was walking completely normal. This baffles me as it did in the beginning. And then I read a few articles online about his disorder where they stated that this is how this disorder is. Imagine carrying a cane one day and walking freely the next and never knowing what kind of day you are going to have. I told him that his cane is bond like and at the same time rather McGyver inspired.

I asked him tonight what kind of friend he thought I was to people. His reply, �I think as long as a friend of yours is tenacious and forgiving of your strong personality, you are the best kind of friend in return.� �You have high expectations of people, but I think that�s because you expect yourself to be all things for someone else and think everyone is like you are.� Damn�he�s probably right.

Recently I have felt like the shittiest of friends towards Mad. His current situation, one that I will not discuss here or get into out of complete respect� Well the situation confounds me, angers me and I can�t contain my own emotions and opinions long enough to just let him rant and rave and speak freely. I have taken a few steps back and away from it trying to get my own head straight and determine what the hell kind of friend am I being? The worst�that�s what kind. I need to keep my mouth shut and offer an ear. That is a difficult thing for me to do. Yes I am opinionated about certain things and someone bailing on marriage�.fuck I have a strong opinion on that issue. I�m too damn close to it right now.

The really odd thing is that husband went out of the local area for work today and he stopped at a used bookstore that was next to a deli during his lunchtime. He brought me a book that he paid $1.50 for. I checked out the reviews on Amazon and I would guess that its perhaps a good book. Of course I haven�t looked at it because I have been working on some writing exercises from this book that Sandy sent to me.

Pumpkin coffee tonight, a hot bubble bath, a great writing book, a comical and wonderful drawing from my son and I am a happy girl. Oh and I just got some cottage cheese. I�m happy about that.

2 hours pass...

Tonight was a night of reaching out to people that simply without a word walked away.

Please don't say goodbye, just walk away.
Its the only thing I know.
You might confuse me if you stay.


Yeah, I�m done reaching out. I�m going to try something new and reach in. Anyone notice the fluctuation in my moods as the night wore on and I added to this entry? Yeah, its fucked to be depressed. Thanks again Sandy, I so owe you so very much.

PoeticaL
12:22 a.m. ::
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