fucking gah

I haven�t written in two days. That�s never a good thing. I write when I�m in touch with myself and when I�m out of touch I retreat. I�m not mad, I�m not upset. I�m agitated. Agitated that I�m working so much, doing so much and yet I come home and it�s quiet and I wonder if I matter. If I just skipped the coming home part how long before it mattered.

I know these feelings are due to my not paying enough attention to my inner self. I need a long hot bath, I need a massage, I need some downtime. I�m trying to get some time off next week for the holidays since there are no classes in session there is no need for my services that week anyway. Ahh but the inner guilt talks loud.

Today I figured out how much money I�d be losing if I were to quit the part time gig. The company bought a bigger better building not so far away but far enough away that I may be late to the U every day after the part time job. We will have to wait and see what happens. It�s so hard for me to give up security. To give away that sense of security to someone else. And being a part of a relationship means you must give that, share that�or some such thing.

I haven�t much started in on the Christmas shopping and am having one hedoubletoothpick of a time figuring out what to get the little man in my life. The delusions of Santa are long gone so I called him up and simple asked. He didn�t know what he wanted. He finally did eep out the fact that he would like a walkman. That was it. A walkman. Now we all know if psuedosantamommy just gives him a walkman and that�s it�I�ll be a shitheal in no time. So, I�ve decided to try to get him an artist�s easel off of ebay and hope beyond f�n hope that it arrives before the big day. Mostly from last nights conversation I gather from my son that he was more concerned with knowing when I was off and how long I will be enrolled in school. All of this translates for me into the little man is wanting to spend more time with Mommy. And who can blame him�I�m a great person to spend time with. ;-) Actually this breaks my heart because this might just be the one thing I can�t easily give to him. I muddled thru the conversation as best I could and I succeeded only in not bawling my eyes out. I really just wanted to break down.

It�s all getting to me. The long hours, the lack of a life. I want to have more fun. I want to chill out. I want to watch mindless sitcoms for hours. I want to have the time to go grocery shopping, bake cookies..something. And yet then on Sunday�s when I do have the day off I don�t have enough energy left to do much of anything. I�m always tired. Always. I�m tired when I go to bed, tired when I get up, tired throughout my day, live on caffeine and junkfood. It�s insane.

I know that I need to get more organized, get on a regular exercise program, take more vitamins, blah�.

Obviously I�m failing at taking on everything I�ve taken on��

-PoeticaL

I hate whenever someone gets mad at me and then their phone goes straight to voicemail..it pisses me off�makes me so angry I want to rip my fingernails right off and sit in a corner and cry�.

It's not the same old same if we change it. I don't need you to fix anything...I need you to hold me...always.

re: electricity bill...thank you..