he gave me my...10

don�t miss yesterday�s entry�

me: today though I almost started to cry at work ...it was close
me: this morning ..this guy I work with
me: I've been pretty quiet lately
t: ok
me: cause when I have tons of stuff on my mind......get quiet
t: right
me: so someone says "wow k you haven't said a word in like 3 hours"
me: and I"m like "ok so enjoy it already"
t: ok
me: he says "she's probably over there wondering when husband is coming back with the hamburgers"
me: I got up and walked out
me: that stuffs just not kewl
t: no it isn't
t: the was pretty dickish really
me: ya know what.... when husband first came back with Bucky
me: the following monday Bucky was supposed to go back to school
me: and I went to work before they left the house
t: yep
me: and called the school to make sure he showed up
me: and it was 11 a.m. and still he wasn't there
me: I just freaked
me: walked right out of work and went looking for my kid
t: i know babe
t: understable...
me: i get halfway home and he's calling me on my cellphone saying "hey Bucky's just sick...he's gonna stay with me at work"
t: ok
me: i was all like 'i don't care if his heads falling off..he's going to school and that was the deal.."
me: like it took me months not to follow to him around making sure he wasn't taking off
t: ok
t: understandable
me: so someone says stuff like that and all those feelings come right to the surface
me: and so sometimes when I say I just want to book...I'm tired of worrying about stuff I can't control
t: *hugs*
me: just like...I get so far away from it all and think I'm doing better...or at least ok and then some jerk says one thing and I wanna go throw up somewhere
t: *more hugs*....
t: are you ok?
me: its ok...just one of those things
me: yeah i'm ok
me: i'm always ok
me: i'm sorry I didn't mean to...like...
t: good.....becasue I dont want you to be hurting
me: just a lot of stuff t
t: I know babe...
me: put on this straight face...hold stuff in and try so hard to be tough and then someone wants to come mess with you
t: yep
me: i walked out and I didn't say anything .... and then it feels ten times as hard to be all tough again
t: people are dicks sometimes
me: i really doubt you wanan hear this stuff..
t: it is ok babe...if you need to talk
me: i never plan on saying anything like this to you and it just always happens
me: then I feel like I�m dumpnig stuff on ya
t: no you are not
me: sometimes I wonder if its just not gonna hurt anymore someday
me: like some magical day I'll wake up and stuff won't get to me like that
t: nope...
t: it is hard
me: sometimes I think about you... and I think you need to find some happy girl to tell you jokes...

at this point he called me on the phone�(2 cents a minute calling my cell via the Internet!!) �saying �are you ok?� asking why in the world I would think he needed someone to tell him jokes�. His voice�.his face looking right at me�.he hands pressing his headphones to his ears trying with all his might to hear my every word across a 7,000 mile connection of tangled wires�.saying �just a couple more months baby�just a couple more months��

remember this exchange from on the 12th?

me: t... if all I ever wanted in life was ten cents and you had five in your pocket....would you give me all five?

t: yes

me: thats all I want

me: i want to give you everything I have to give knowing that you would do that in return

t: I want to give you more than I have

Last night over the phone lines �t� told me with a big giant smile on his face�that our very first 4 � minute telephone conversation earlier cost him exactly a dime�..