PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I believe I can fly.....

Thursday, Jan. 03, 2002
Ok I think I need to make something clear in this diary. I am married. I am struggling to come to terms with everything and it�s a long and complicated story. Some of my readers are aware of it. Some aren�t. So�during the last 2 � years I have been good friends with �him� via the Internet. He has been there for me time and time again. When I met him I pretty much said �I�m a mess, my life�s a mess and I�m trying to get my shit together.� Here we are 2 � years later and my life is in some ways worse than it was then. In other ways, it is far better because I have changed. I am not the same person. And I attribute a lot of it to him.

I think that �he� can�t tell me how he feels so much because he�s talking to what is still a married girl. Which goes against all his morals. Yes�you can be �friends� with a married person, but if he pledged his undying love for me then I would have to question him as a person. After all�I am married. And besides is it possible to love someone that you�ve never actually met? Yes�.imagine that, �he� and I haven�t even met. It seems almost unreal to me. That he�s the one person that I am the absolute closest to and yet I have never met him. I see him often though.

So it�s a very strange juxtaposition to say the least. And I think that he and I have had to dance around some strange and unrealistic issues at best. I know how he feels, its in his actions. Its in his constant support and involvement in my life. He�s by far the best friend I have ever had. Bar all others. He�s always there for me. And that is not an easy thing for anyone to ever try to be for me.

When I got a digital camera for Christmas that didn�t work worth shit, he sat up for an hour and a half bidding on one on ebay that he knew was an excellent one, just to then tell me �it bothered me that you didn�t get what you wanted for Christmas�. He then told me last night after getting my check in the mail, that he had fully intended to call it a gift. I believe him. But I told him �But I fully wanted you to realize that I�m not using you.

My point is�he�s not perfect and neither am I and even though I wish he would tell me how he feels, he really doesn�t have to. I just need to pay attention to his actions. And I need to pay attention to my own. I believe I could have everything my heart dreams for if I just overcame my own fears. If someone has the answers to how to do that�I�m all ears�.. I need to jump off the edge of this cliff and find out if I can fly.

PoeticaL


I believe I can fly

I used to think that I could not go wrong
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do (be) it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
(Oh) I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Some times silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
Could I believe in it?

� R.Kelly
1:21 p.m. ::
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