i cleaned my own house....
First I must state I just had the most amazing weekend just
hanging out with my man.� He and I are
in this place that�s absolutely perfect and easy and simple and �ahhh bliss�..� I love that man.
�
I have recently gotten questions about what happened between
R and I in July.� I will only say that
he and I have come to terms with it.� It�s
called unconditional love and forgiveness and acceptance.� I received an email from a long time friend
of mine, Greg.� Greg and I met at a
point in my life where everything was falling apart for me and for him.� I used to think I had the worlds worst luck
ever.� Greg has seen some very difficult
times and in light of all of it he�s one of the most beautiful people I have
ever known. He changed the way I write, the way I see the world.�
�
When R and I were recently having problems I called Greg and asked him for his advice.� He�s brutally honest and will not give you foo foo pretty words nor will he feed you full of a pack of lies.� He told me �Kristy if you love him then clean your own house.�� It didn�t immediately make any sense but then again within a day or so I truly grasped his advice and I ran with it.�
�
The incident with R and I�was exasperated because I myself
stopped taking Zoloft against my own better judgment.� I also had been raped in the past and had a brutal flashback of
that event.� I never received counseling
or help for that rape because I was married at the time and he had already
cheated on me by leaving and going to New York.
�
All charges against R were dropped about 45 days later due
to �insufficient information�.� Fact is
he did nothing.� I freaked out on my bf
who was trying to make love to me because I had issues that went
unresolved.� And�I must admit and openly
say that R is the most amazing person alive to be able to forgive me�.to be
able to understand me�and love me despite these heinous mistakes I myself have
made. In the process of all of it, the pregnancy that I lost...the pain that I caused....I realized that I am the only person responsible for my own life.�
�
This is all I will openly and publicly say.� I will however also say that R never harmed
me and that our relationship has never been a violent one.� Nor has it ever been one whereby he was
mentally abusive. �At one time I opted
to stop writing here because it was too confusing to be working on so much
personally and within my relationship while typing it out here and being unable
to openly discuss it with R.
�
Tonight I received an email from my friend Greg�.
�
From: "greg carlson"
To: [email protected]
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 2004 21:23:47 -0500
hey there whats up.
just wanted to let you know Im still alive and
well.
been working on another album with Orbital Carnie,
its going to be called "I aint your monkey".
it should be pretty fucked up.
I also have been doing some painting.
My girl is moving to Germany on Dec. 27. yep, 2
days after the big Xmass 04 I have to drive the woman I love to the airport and
wave goodbye. I also am out of the band "Music� Hates You" for
personal reasons and found out that it does hate me, or at least I hate it,
well not the music itself but the clashing persauna called egos.
but I have been working on some stuff, let the
chips fall where they may, fuck it.
I wrote a song called Pessimistic me.
heres the words
i dont beleive in your world anymore
of washing guilt away with a grin
and lie with a convincing smile
that it wont hurt going in
but fibbed again didnt you!!!
and here i am standing in the rain
soaking with red rage
with all the eyes of this fucked up world upon me
I smile pesimisticly
and you wonder why
Im not part of this scene
it doesnt feel the way it should anyway
its all a white lie
and I keep to myself because you wouldnt understand
these things I think about,
what would you say if I was caught thinking outloud
if all the wonders in my mind came leaking out the
side
would you then stop asking me to smile
would you then stop asking for me to respond
to this society all wrapped in tinsel
wishing secretly they were free. like me
pessimistic me.
And I cant stop today to asimulate
that perfect little me thats never home
and i cant be the one
i cant be, i wouldve already won the booby prize
with the shiny tinsel blindfolds and everything
and the world looks at me
like it s antichrist time
and I sit there
with my pessimism
.and take it all in.Greg Carlson '04
well I guess you can see my influences
but in the end, when the water evaporates and
theres a few little stains and leaves on the bottom of the cup they spell fuck
it.
hope your well
ciao4now
greg
My response�
�
�
Greg,
I am well.� I am well because I took your
simple advice.� I cleaned my house. I let go of all of my fears from the
past.� I gave everything I had to give and I hung my heart on my
sleeve.� I took a chance.� And yes it could have blown up in my
face...but it didn't.� It didn't.� I went and bought a ring and I
proposed to my man.� I stood before him tears welling over my
eyelids.� I told him exactly how I felt and exactly the world I wanted to
create with him.� He said yes.
We are currently planning a wedding next November
on the beach.� I would love to have your address so that I can share that
information with you once I have the details.� I have to tell you that R.....he
has done things for me that no single person ever has.� He has wiped tears
caused by other people.� He is far from perfect but he loves me and cares
for me in ways no one in my life ever has.� I am RUSHING into
nothing.� I am gloriously happy right now.� Truly I am.
For the first time in my adult life I am living
alone, working two jobs, I am enrolled in college (it's a benefit I receive
free from the University ** ******* where I work one job).� I decided to
clean my house, clean myself, be who I WANT to be.� Let nothing stop
me.� I did that first and foremost.� I stopped looking for that
emotional fix..that emotional drug I looked for in the past to soothe the
pain.� I started to answer to msyelf and stopped blaming shit on other
people.� I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned until my blood was my own
bleach.� I learned how to breath alone and truly BE alone.� I need no
one.� I now finally know that I can muddle thru the world without anyone's
help or love.�� And yet I realized I had this amazing thing with R.�
He was always there for me.� He was sweet and true to me.� He never
lied.� I didn't face my own problems and stay on meds and deal with my
life.� I failed myself.� He didn't fail me.� So I answered to
myself and I am doing well now.
You should know....
I have met few people who have made me a better
person for having met them.� Very few.� You are the king on that
mountain of the greats.� I think most people will never begin to
comprehend what an amazing and beautiful person lies underneath the sheet of
skin that is called the human body when they meet you.� I could tell you
that life gets better....I'd have to close my eyes to type those words.�
It never really does.� Just sometimes the moments where it is blissful
come more often and the pain is clouded enough that we can handle it without too
much rage.� But better?� Hmmm...I'll forever ponder that one.
I have learned that karma truly does exist.�
Within that last few weeks my ex has gotten fired, gotten busted cheating on
his 2nd wife and she wasn't wanting to do anything nicely where he was
concerned so Karma has a grip on his ass right now.� I do not say these
things out of happiness...I just type them out of fact.� I feel badly for
him but I do not help him out of the knowledge that I cannot save the masses
and he has to learn to clean his own house, no one can do that for him.
Today I washed my mans clothes.� I put notes
in his pockets.� Some that said "thank you for smiling with me and
letting me cry in your arms when I'm sad"�� Some just said
"I can't get enough of your glorious cock".� But most just said
"Today I love you."� Then I made him dinner and instead of
wanting a thank you, I saw it in the way he held his plate and grinned at
me.�� I used to think if I loved with all my heart it would be pain
that was eventually returned.� That was ONE man.� Not all men.�
I held the world at arms length and that was a mistake.
Whomever finds that you...(you Greg Carlson!!) are
a part of their life and they don't cherish that....they are far more lost than
I have ever been.� It's simply their loss.
You should know that when I hear from you every
good emotion that god has gifted us with creeps to the surface of my flesh and
the smile inevitably paints itself across my previously blank face.....you have
always had that effect on me.� Always.� Perhaps it's not enough to
say that and have that simple fact return the smile but I must tell you that I
hold you in high regard even if the masses don't agree.�� Remember
the masses usually follow the wrong leader.
Thank you for sharing yourself with me today.....
much love,
Kristy