PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i fucked up

Friday, Jul. 23, 2004
Last night I actually vacuumed the apartment. I found little pieces of my heart all over the place. Instead of sucking them away I kept shoving them into my pocket for later. It�s so hot in there because I fear the wrath of huge electricity bills that I can�t afford and can barely tolerate the sound of the air conditioner running away with my money.

Before this week I really hated my ex-husband�s guts and trust me I still don�t much like them, lets just say that the last few days he�s been pretty cool towards me as I deal with the current situation. I have thought a thousand times about how to write about the b.f. situation and there are things I simply won�t write here. It�s just mine and I�m going to keep it.

My son is coming over for the entire weekend and his father has been nice enough to send him over with a baggie of cash so mom can feed him properly and we can have a nice time together. Now this would appear to be something he doesn�t have to do as no one pays child support but keep in mind, he�d pay this much to a babysitter if he had to get one for 48 hours. I wanna spend some time with Bucky and explain some things to him and hopefully we�ll be able to lay on the bed and I can read to him. For some odd reason I�ve wanted to do that for awhile. I need to get back to being a better Mom with one on one time with him. It would feed my soul and do me good. (this is something b.f. told me a thousand times)

I intend to go to court on Wednesday and drop the injunction. I feel it to be unnecessary and I will only state here that this entire matter has been unfortunate and a huge misunderstanding due to circumstances I won�t disclose here.

Seeing how my entire next paycheck is going to pay the rent, I am going to be scrimping by if I�m lucky. I bought $30 worth of groceries last night and then I came home and drank a glass of milk and fed Chloe half a can of dog food. She won�t leave my side. Will not move away from me. I think she�s lonely and misses her Daddy.

Last night I found a book that b.f. must have been reading. He was on the third chapter. For some reason�this made me grin from ear to ear. I cannot even explain.

Next Wednesday I need to go to court. In August, the first week of August, I have to meet with the D.A. I am scared..not for myself. For him. I hope I can take care of things correctly. I�ve talked with ex about how best to do this for b.f.

This morning I got my period. This is a huge event in my life, as I never get my periods. It feels like a gift to bleed whenever you normally don�t. It makes me feel like a complete woman because most of the time I feel defective.

Last night my thighs were sticking to the couch it was so hot. Chloe was licking my face and my ears because she loves to lick sweat. I started to cry and she simply licked my tears away too. I pulled her away from my face and looked her right in the eye and she laid her head on my shoulder and I swear to God it was a moment that made my heart break. I think subliminally animals understand and feel human emotions. She knows something�s wrong.

Today I�m wearing something that didn�t fit 2 weeks ago. I�m convinced the only good thing that comes from my depression is thinner thighs.

I cried because that phone never rang�I can only hope it was because of fear. Maybe all I can do is wait things out and hope for the best. I fucked up.

-PoeticaL
11:46 a.m. ::
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