i tremble when i look at your face

Ya know I still really miss my prelude�

I�ve been sitting around for the last few hours doing nothing. Absolutely nothing but reading. Then I had a kewl little conversation with BraN. I love when my phone rings and it�s him. He�s just so happy all the time, its like bending over and getting a happy shot in my sad ass.

I slept all day. Yup all day long. Sunday = sleep day. It�s the day I sleep all day mostly. I can�t sleep any other time. It�s like by Saturday night I am so exhausted and stuff. But I was up til 7 a.m. romancing Afghanistan. That boy� he puts his face close up to his screen and I am compelled to put my hand on my screen. I�ve never done that before. The second time I did it I caught myself and realized just how lame it is.

I got a new program/site for downloading music and so I�ve been downloading tons of new stuff. Deleting old stuff I can�t even remember. And I�m feeling so happy all over. Music is all it takes in my little world.

When I got up earlier tonight I took a big huge bubble bath. Turned the Jacuzzi on illegally with tons of bubble bath and slicked my hair up with conditioner. I scruffed the dead skin off my feet. I prettied up my body. I primped and prettied for 2 hours. I tweezed the brows, did a mud mask on my face. I got rid of unwanted hair and feel all smooth and sexy and shiny everywhere. I clipped my fingernails and toenails. Did the entire pedicure thing. I painted my toenails with this new polish I bought yesterday when I spent $75 on new makeup, cleanser and all that pretty me up stuff. I feel all girly and sexy. I get so lazy sometimes. I just go to work and come home and write and read and do nothing. And then one day I realize, �I want to feel all girly today� and I go haywire and go nutso on myself. And then in a few scant hours I feel amazing.

�t� does this to me. I feel mostly neglected as a woman. Sadly it does take a man�s attentions and desires to make us sometimes feel desirous. Last night I stood up and walked away from my cam to go get a Popsicle and came back to see �hey I saw kristy�s butt!!!� typed a ton of times by "t". This made me think about how being told stuff like this� it makes me strive to be the best that I can be. Shallow I know.. And I have never been this way before. But I think I have gone far too long in my life without affection and attention in the sexual area. It�s not what he said about me�it�s the way he leans forward close to his screen trying to see all of me. The way I want to peel off my clothes for his eyes only. Of course I didn�t. I think that stuff is lame. I�m not getting naked for anyone in front of a mechanical machine. Forget it. That boy�s gotta come back to Ft Bragg first� Of course I was having all those self image fears�.a carry over from the last close relationship that tended to make me feel less than�.. and today I got some offline messages�.

t (Sun 08/11/02 12:25:40 PM): hey, you there babe?
t (Sun 08/11/02 01:04:10 PM): I am going to go to bed babe....maybe I can catch you in the morning....I love you Kristy...g'night



I love how he looks for me, never hides his feelings�

and back to that self image issue I struggle with after all that perfect image issue with �him� �I have issues�and have expressed them freely to �t� and his response� I stood in front of my cam last night shaking with fear�.he said �you�re beautiful� I sad �nah�. I got this email from him today�.

From: t
To: k
Subject: Seeing the Truth
Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2002 06:27:32 -0700 (PDT)

Love isn't blind, it just only sees what matters.

- William Curry -

Tomorrow I�m making 100 phone calls about filing and finding a roommate and all that sort of stuff. Wish me luck�

-PoeticaL

I tremble when I look at your face
And I want all the world to see
def leppard